brother chaos rules

blah

2012-02-13T23:04:00.001-05:00

Today sucked.
My #1 guy in the shop - the guy with 20 yrs custom framing experience - quit. The fucking fucker.
A guy that started in the shop but got pulled in the office to do community interest research for one of our national accounts, proved once again he's a dickhead.
I can't find my check book that has my insurance card and f00d stamp card in it.
Being short a skilled warm body in the shop landed me on a table for most of the day so now I'm sore as fuck all over again.
I think I just need a vacation.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

hot off the presses

2012-02-06T20:30:00.001-05:00

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

when good goes bad

2012-02-06T17:51:00.001-05:00

Haven't had much to say the past few days.
I got an impulse tattoo yesterday. Don't hate it - don't love it.
It's just very, very different than the rest of my ink.
Shoulda gave it over night thought rather than over coffee.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

the humpty hump

2012-02-01T19:01:00.001-05:00

Went to orth0 Dr today. Had film series of lt shoulder and neck. All signs indicate a pinched nerve in my neck, most likely at c6 where there is some degenerative activity happening.
Going to have another em.are.eye, my neck this time. I'm going to lose my fucking mind if I can't see out in front of me.

All the pain - yea, its nerve. It's debilitating at times. I hate it passionately.
In no way do I ever want to make an appt with a neurosurgeon so I hope it can be treated.

Thinking of exploring accupuncture.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

after work

2012-02-01T18:17:00.001-05:00

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

40 ain't so bad

2012-01-29T17:23:00.001-05:00

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

should be over 500 posts by now

2012-01-28T21:42:00.001-05:00

With the blooger app, I want to treat it like a more personal face.b00k. There's a whole other person in me that I just won't share on the face.b00k.

And the app does make it exceptionally simple. That doesn't help. Heh..

Went out with J last night. Remember her? I still think of her as the love of my life.
Her baby will be 3 in June. J has changed a lot since I knew her before. She lives for that sweet baby. She's a good mom. She also lives large when the baby is with her daddy.
She's dating a guy that I don't really care for. I met him once when they dated about a year ago. She didn't tell me they were dating until last night and its been at least a month.
He's a loser. Another loser in a long line of losers. For whatever reason, she can not get enough of losers.

We joke about how much better off she would be with me than another loser. She knows it and agrees with it. But she just doesn't want it.

No, I'm not looking for anything to happen anywhere. I like not having to answer to anyone about my plans and what I'm gonna do.
But when I'm with J, I'm reminded of so many good feelings.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

favorite things

2012-01-28T18:08:00.001-05:00

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

when i think about you..

2012-01-28T12:07:00.001-05:00

i touch myself.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

local fare

2012-01-28T10:26:00.001-05:00

About Jose Gaspar & Gasparilla

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

favorite things

2012-01-27T06:12:00.002-05:00

I love the jack ass, rolling up his sleeves, because he's going to kick some ass...
$2 at g00dwill store in engle.w00d, on the way to the beach, 2009

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

watch out...I got the app now!

2012-01-27T05:24:00.001-05:00

It's 5:30 in the AM.
Woke up to the tv news and a bull in the bed.
Going to the back door to let that bull out, she charged the other bull in her box.
Nothing like an almost dog fight at 5am.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

- distractions from work

2012-01-26T20:56:00.001-05:00

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

there's an app for that

2012-01-26T20:55:00.001-05:00

Hellas yea, there's a Blogger app.

Will be giving it a test drive to see if it was worth the price of admission.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

2012-01-26T20:44:00.001-05:00

Well, I don't know how cool this is gonna be - mobile blogging.

We shall see...

2012-01-26T20:37:00.001-05:00

1,2,3...
Test...

tough decisions

2012-01-23T20:47:00.000-05:00

Well, I think its coming down to getting rid of a bull temporarily.
To have a bulldog, you with need to already know or do a lot of reading prior. They have daily needs and are prone to things you need to be able to recognize.
If I got rid of a dog, it will be the one Y and I bought. And I would only give the bull to Y. She has one, she knows the drill.
But I don't want to get rid of the dog. I'm going to explore the training thing. It's expensive but I've already paid double the price in stitches.

The air isn't as cool as its been. The porch won't be so nice once it warms up. April comes around and it will feel like an oven out here.
Hmm.... one bull. Would be weird.

one might think im being paid to bl0g

2012-01-22T08:37:00.000-05:00

Don't know what I'm gonna do about the bulls.
I've been vertical for 20 mins and broken up two fights.
Last nights last fight - I got my finger bit, didn't break the skin but has a visible spot. I can barely move that finger today.
I'm tired of always being hurt because I had to break up a fight.
This isn't going to resolve on its own either.
Bug is coming up on heat soon, in March. I know that's why its cranked back up again full force.
I have two dogs that try to fight to the death every single time they tangle.
They are in pristine fighting condition and always eager to win.
Always on edge, watching behavior to divert, knowing its going to happen..
I'm tired of it. So very tired of having dogs I have to keep apart. It's not fair.

later in the evening

2012-01-21T21:27:00.000-05:00

so, the day went well.
managed to get some things accomplished in my garage, did some more things in my 'office' area, did some laundry, met the grandparents for dinner, and had a good visit with the parents.
broke up two dog fights today - one that lasted about 3 minutes before i could get to the dogs to split it up.

found my thoughts going to Y frequently today.
i wish she would have wanted to do what was best for our relationship.
but it is what it is.

not sure what tomorrow has in store for us.
i'm sure another few rounds of bulldog cage match and a whiny 9 year old. my mom is going to come over tomorrow for a visit.
she doesn't come over often. and when she does, she usually tells me everything that is visibly wrong in my life and how i need to fix it.
i asked her to come over though - i want her to see what i've accomplished so far.

have to go to the dentist wed for my new crown.
i'm just looking forward to the nitr0us.
see-day-shun dentistry is awesome.

f.b00k has been sucking lately.
i just want more bandwidth.

wishing i had a 6 pack of w00d.chuck for tomorrow, already.

fetchin'shadow

2012-01-21T11:52:00.000-05:00

I've been worried about brown dog.
He's getting old.
He limps more often and is really slowing down the past 6 months. He's been eating fine but has these unidentifiable bouts of something that I can not identify. I'm not sure which end it comes out of. I figure he got something in the yard but I'm beginning to think its bigger than that.
The crib mattress is a huge success. I'm glad I finallly pulled that out. The bamboo floors have gotten the best of brown dog.

all in all... we're just bricks in the wall

2012-01-20T21:01:00.000-05:00

i had approached 3 people about going out tonight. big girl was going to stay home with baby girl and i was going to go out and have a good time.

person #1 - beat around the bush for three days before telling me they were "sort of seeing someone right now"
person #2 - blew off my original offer from monday, i asked directly last night, turned down this morning ("friends from 'my city' coming over")
person #3 - can't go out tonight because of responsibilities i will never complain about

so, it's almost 9pm. the weather is crisp, the interstate is loud in the distance. the bulldogs are in their crates for the evening - the fight about 15 minutes ago did me in so everyone is in bed.
i brought my laptop from work home with me - it's nice to have a full size keyboard and a machine that works (rather than my laptop or my phone).

i'm going to have to bring in a dog whisperer to solve this fighting problem we have with the bulls. it's because i'm not the alpha dog so they are each trying to claim that spot as theirs.
the white and black one has a face that looks like she's been drug behind a bus for a few miles.
the white and brown one - the cage match champion - has a few gashes on her neck and some teeth marks on her leg.

the person i'm bringing in is someone i went to high school with. she's a cop now and does dog training.
and yes, she's gay. she's got a girlfriend but i think i'm going to suggest going out one night with them. an opportunity to meet new and different people.

i just want to be social.

the rejection i've had the past few days has been different. it usually doesn't happen like that.
well - it's not happened like that.. til now.
i've always been the one to turn people down. but now, that's all i'm getting.

geeze... it's 9pm. it's past my bed time.
another night with no bulls in the bed.
wahoo!

having a heavy heart today

2012-01-18T20:29:00.000-05:00

Don't know what's got me in this funk. My heart feels swollen and droopy and weak and drippy. My eyes have wanted to cry several times today.
And the constant dog fighting in my house is wearing on my one last nerve. Physically, I can not split up the bulls any more. Emotionally, I can not handle the stress of it. Mentally, I want to give a bull away.
Sometimes my day to day life has me feeling like I'm constantly chasing my own tail and I never even get a nip of it.
I need this weekend to recharge. Sleep late, stay in my pjs, eat comfort food, get depressed about my weight gain, get mad, grab a box and continue the purge.

Today has me feeling low. Tomorrow can only bring me up.

i once had 17 active email addresses

2012-01-17T20:40:00.001-05:00

On the porch. It's nice out here now. A table and couch and the mess contained.

There are certain things I hoarde. I am notorious for having mini-hoardes in certain areas.
My back porch kept most anything that was not a bulldog induced disaster in the yard.
I have this area at the front window that houses the boxes of paperwork and kids art and recipes and sentimental notes and souvenirs.
There is another stack of paperwork and kids art and sentimental notes blah blahblah.
In my room, I'm guilty of stacking clothes. Until two days ago, I had my old kitchen table in my room with folded laundry in stacked piles.
Right now. I've got 6 laundry baskets of clothes to deal with.
Why do I have so much?

Anyway - because of all the purging I'm doing, my back porch feels great.

#493

2012-01-16T19:18:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting on my back porch. The weather is great - about 50 and very crisp. My phone is struggling for life.

Been busy at work. Learning a new shop system program with more on my plate.
Bring it on.

Feelings of desperation when it comes to dating. I want to call up someone I used to know and just fuck.
I'm not sure why this person in particular - we had ok sex and always a comfortable feeling when we spent time over the years.
Maybe the draw is the comfort I know that's associated with it.
I don't know.
I did see him on the 4th - the day I had my temp crown put on. We've exchanged a few txt msgs since but no plans.
I'm not pursuing it.

The purge of my house feels good.
The motivation of interior paint has me on a time frame.
Still - baby steps.

#492

2012-01-02T21:25:00.000-05:00

Part I

I'm laying in bed, propped on my throne of pillows. It really doesn't help like it used to but it does level out my shoulder some to even out the pain I feel constantly.
Something is wrong with my laptop - won't hold a charge at all. Honestly, I don't care. I just want to get some stuff transferred to an external hard drive and reformat the bitch.

I went back to La La Land and thought she was going to change. I'm so fucking stupid. She will never change.
We tried - knowing it wouldn't work.
New years eve - her house. She bought food, I cooked it. While I was about to start the crab legs, I got a work email. It was from the company pres about some damages one of our customers was documenting (well after the 30 day cut off). I was pissed because A. i got a work email at 9:30 pm on NYE, and B. the damages were bullshit and to know my shipping guy is slacking sucks (or is he? Did the damage happen on their end?).
She proceeds to grill me on why was I getting email from the big boss on NYE and why was I mad about it.... Of course, it all came down to her asking "does your boss want you?"
WHAT?! does he want me? Ya, he wants me to run an efficient and effective shop with everyone doing a good job. Does he want me sexually? AhNo. Sick, wrong and disturbing thought.
That totally changed the atmosphere resulting in baby girl and I coming home at 3am.
Sunday was spent purging my kitchen. It was a cathartic cleaning resulting in 4 boxes of give away, 3 trash bags of recyclable trash, and an area that's just awesome now.
And I'm going to do that throughout my entire house.
There are too many things that remind me of her that have to go.
I haven't talked to her since I left her house Sat night. She's kept my phone hot and I have not responded.

2012 is going to be about me.
My life, my girls, my home, my future... Other than my family and children, no one else gets in. No more uncertainty and certainly no more instability.
We are making resolutions to do things we either haven't done or wanted to do. But its got to be a positive notion, something to better us and teach us something. And we are going to do this every few weeks.
Baby girl wants to start out with trying new, healthy foods and learning to like foods she would have never wanted to try.
Big girl is still settling on her first items.
Myself - nothing negative in the way of personal relationships. I need to heal myself and get back on track. I want to try new relationships and find the goodness in people again. I've got such a negative concept of it all right now. It's time to get it back into my control and find stability within myself again.
No more negative relationships.
And I'm starting to zum.ba with baby girl every day. The plan is to do it right when we get home. Today, our first day, was tough, but it got baby girls mind off eating and it was sort of a 2nd wind that I needed badly.

Baby steps.
But this is my time to accomplish it all.

Getting my physical health under control will only be successful if I work on my mental health. I'm in a good place at work right now - I need to make sure that extends through the rest of the day.

And I'm going to my cell company tomorrow and having a few #s blocked.
It's just time.

yesterday

2011-10-20T21:14:00.000-04:00

october 19, 2011.

it's been five years since my dear, sweet friend died alone in the woods.
i can't believe it's been five years already.
it's nearing the five year anniversary that i went to asia.
almost the five year mark that i made the decision to leave R.
this time five years ago, i was not yet in ultras0und school.

baby girl was only 4.
big girl was 12.
the brown dog was 3.

sigh.

i'm such a different person than i was then.

i've experienced every emotion there is.
i've felt the loss of the world.
i've loved like there is no tomorrow.
i've missed so much.

gone but not forgotten

2011-10-13T21:36:00.000-04:00

so, i was sitting at the break area table with my fellow on break workers and i get a text msg.
i didn't recognize the number but it said "in atlanta - take good care and pls keep in touch. love ya - dad"
i put my phone down and immediately thought, "you fucker."

what a complete and utter failure of a relationship with my father.
and it's of not fault of my own.

it's refreshing to be able to walk away from a relationship that should be significant and it's so fucked up but none of it is my fault. i'm not accused of fucking up, i haven't fucked up, and i'm not going to hang on to something that isn't my fault.

he's my dad. i can't help but be hurt.
but it's his goddammed problem, not mine.

look at me! i'm on a roll...!

2011-10-10T20:31:00.001-04:00

i was useless at work this morning. i was having a hard time with paperwork and just really lacked any motivation to do anything.

spent a fair amount of time at my desk acting like i was busy shuffling papers.

ate my pb&j at 9am since i was skipping lunch to leave early for therapy.
struggled through a production meeting at 10am with shuffled papers. i managed to not look like an ass when it was my time to speak up though. good for me. this meeting was without the pres of the company or the one project manager that i really have problems with. that eased the stress, i suppose.

left work at 1:30 and headed to my appt.
walking from the lobby to the office, my therapist said "as soon as i saw your name on the sheet, i knew something was up."
boyhowdy, is it.
as soon as my ass hit the pleather sofa in the office, i broke down.

we talked about my dad and the issues i feel about it all.
we talked about my relationship with Y and how things tie in to each other.

basically, i'm still the scared little girl, sitting at the window, wondering when my dad is going to show up.

and i'm ready to board up that damn window and call it a day.

i'm going to pen a letter to my father. raw emotion and to the point. honest and open.
and then i won't send it.
not the first one, at least.

but i need the outlet of it.

then i can take from that what i am going to send to my dad.

i'm ready for that little girl with no daddy to get up off her ass, away from the window, and venture outside and not worry about when daddy is going to show up.

and she wants me to paint.
vent through acrylics.

i like that idea.

sunblah

2011-10-09T17:34:00.001-04:00

well, my dad called me this morning. i almost didn't answer due to not recognizing the number he was calling from (his sister's). he wanted to know what was happening mid-afternoon, he'd like to stop by for a visit.
mid-afternoon ended up being 4:15.
i was about asleep on the couch and there was a knock at the door that made all the dogs start barking and startled me out of my snooze. i sort of couldn't believe it that he was actually here.
he had a 6 pack of beer and a big smile.
we sat in the kitchen and talked about time that has passed. his wife has the flu - that's why she didn't accompany him. he said they had both been sick most of the trip so far. i find that hard to believe knowing that they have had several cook outs with his sister and her children and go camping.
an hour later, he was walking out the door.
and i'm ok with that.

tomorrow at therapy, this is all i want to talk about. of course, i anticipate getting there and not being sure what to say.
we shall see....

i think i'm going to finish my nap.

more pain, no gain

2011-10-08T21:29:00.000-04:00

today has been a shit day.
it's bed time and i'm still in my jammies from this morning.
i've been sick to my stomach all damn day, wondering if it would subside if i just puked. but i don't want to puke, so i suffer.

sigh....

i don't know what's wrong with me.
i just know that i want all the uncertainty and ill feelings to end already.

just when my surgery site was starting to get better, i tripped over the brown dog in the dark yesterday morning and landed square on my knee. there is a bit of a raspberry on my knee but all the pain and issue is behind my knee and up and down the back of my leg. i can barely walk again.

what next..?

life throws no bones

2011-10-06T22:57:00.001-04:00

i made an appt with my therapist this evening. it's for monday at 2. i don't know how my work is going to appreciate me needing to leave at 2 but honestly, i don't give a damn.
my mental stability has really sucked today and i need to go to therapy.

i woke up this morning with all the shit about my dad weighing heavily in my head. as soon as baby girl got out of the car in the drop off lane, i lost it. for the next 40 minutes, all the way to work, i cried and cursed my father.

my work day was ok. nothing out of the ordinary. more responsibility is being dumped on me so today had it's moments. they know i can do it so why not dump it, right?
shit rolls downhill anyway.

yesterday on my way home from work, i rescued a dog out of the 5:00 grid lock. just what i need - another mouth to feed. but i couldn't drive through that intersection without knowing of his safety.
i'm calling him roadkill since that is exactly what he would have been.
sweetheart of a dog.

he is not chipped. strike one.
no ads have been placed for a lost dog matching his description on the four local sites i checked. strike two.

i put up four ads on said sites about a found dog.
from those, i've had four replies from people wanting to adopt him.

i hope detr0it beats the stanks. i hate the damnyankees.

yes, i'm feeling a bit ayy.dee.dee, going from one thing to another. it's how my head has been working lately.

is it friday yet?

paternal anger

2011-10-05T22:13:00.000-04:00

so, my dad is in the states with his new 24 year old wife.
this friday, they will have been in the eff.el.a for two weeks and i have talked to him once, last friday, for about 7 minutes.
they - my dad and my new mommy - have had several cook outs with my father's family. his sister, her children, extended family....
and where the fuck is my invite?

i don't understand his reasoning one goddammed bit.
i don't understand why he excludes me and my children like he does.

his wife has a face.b00k page. she's friends with my father's sister, her children, extended family...

how fucking fucked up is that?

no wonder i have daddy issues.

what next...

2011-09-24T15:16:00.000-04:00

it's saturday afternoon and i'm lounging in my rocking chair just as i have most of the time since i got home wednesday evening.

my 'procedure' wednesday went just fine.
drove myself to the hospital, got checked in, was taken to pre-op and settled in my hospital gown. talked to three different nurses and was about to doze off when the anesthesiologist came in. not long after that, the dr came in to mark the spot.
then i was dosed with the vitamin v and the next thing i remember was waking up in recovery and my auntie being there.
my mom and stepdad were there shortly thereafter and about 40 minutes later, they let me go home.
spent the day on mom's couch and came home later that evening. my stepdad wanted us to stay the night but the girls would be more comfortable being home. and i was more comfortable being in my own bed, too.

did nothing thursday but migrate between my rocking chair and my bed.
friday, i went with mom to the local membership warehouse store to renew our cards, and did more migrating between the chair and my bed.
in the evening, big girl's friend boy came over and we ordered pizza and i stayed in my chair and enjoyed the vic0din ride.

today, i'm venturing out for the evening.
i'm meeting my auntie and her husband at a restaurant/bar place to listen to some music and eat.
remember my friend J - the girl i couldn't get enough of for so long? ya, well, she's going with me. we have been talking and reconnecting again.
wait. reconnecting does not mean anything without clothes. we are not doing that. i miss my friends.
since ending things with Y, i've just wanted my friends back.
it's been difficult on some levels but with J, it's been good.

took big girl to have her senior photo taken today. all we had done was the one that will be in the year book. i'm going to take the casual shots that will be the fun ones, the ones that will capture her personality. we plan to do that next weekend.
after she takes the ess-a-tee test.

-long pause-

things feel like they are creeping up on us quickly.
before i know it, we will be watching big girl walk across the stage with her diploma in hand.
then the next day, i will be buying her a laundry basket and a shower caddy for her dorm room.

geeze. i want to take a trip.

and you know where...

i'm standing at the crossroads - believe i'm sinking down..

2011-09-15T21:52:00.002-04:00

i'm going through one of those periods of feeling as if i'm standing at a cross roads.
decisions to be made, things happening that are out of my control, time slipping away too fast....
too much uncertainty makes me anxious and i have panic attacks.
today alone, i've had at least 4 panic attacks.

kids are good. dogs are good. cat is good.
car isn't wrecked. house hasn't burned down.

no one really knows what's going on in my head right now.
no one really needs to know.

last week, i was supposed to have some very minor 'in the office' surgery. it should have been at least. but the dr decided i needed to be in the hospital for it. so that's happening this coming wednesday. gotta be at the hospital at 6am. most likely will stay the night.
and - as usual - i'm scared shitless.
it should have been a minor thing but it's too close to my femoral vessels - needs imaging during surgery.

between work tomorrow and tuesday, i've got about two weeks of work to do.
it's going to be a long weekend working...

this day in history

2011-09-11T11:11:00.001-04:00

this time 10 years ago, i was going to tech school in south ge0rgia and actively pursuing my degree in c0mputer inf0rmation systems. i had worn jeans and a d.m.b tshirt and my blue c0nverse and was carrying my raincoat as the rain was intermittent.
walking through the halls, everything was strangely empty. but when i entered my data.base class, everyone was in their seats and silent, eyes glued to the tv in the corner.
the first plane had just hit.

for the rest of the day, we sat in those same chairs with our eyes glued to the tv in the corner.
we cried, we were in shock, we were scared, we were in awe of the events.
we didn't know what to expect next....

fast forward 10 years.
i have a 17 year old and a 9 year old. the oldest remembers that day, the youngest wasn't even conceived that day (but not too long thereafter). i live back in my home town and have three dogs, two of which are worth over $3,000 each. i drive a much larger vehicle than i ever have before and live a life that some would consider luxury.
i never did anything with that c.i.s degree other than fix the computers of my family members and be the one they all consult when it comes time to purchase a new computer.
i've just recently paid to join a reputable dating website with hopes of finding someone that is not crazy, self absorbed, bip0lar, or doesn't expect me to put them above my children. i'm not looking for love - i just want to find someone i can connect with and share good times. since the last person i was involved with created a situation in which the friends i did have went their own ways, it would be nice to find someone to go to baseball games with, adult movies with, maybe a night out as adults...

so today, i guess i'm reflecting on all the have/have nots, the what has/what if's, and the future.

i know i miss my friends and long for a trip to anywhere.
and i want my youngest bull to be old enough to breed.
and my girls to keep thriving and excelling in this life that will just keep throwing curve balls at them.

nothing will ever be the same..

EDIT: i'm having some outpatient surgery this week. it's nothing major. just painfully close to my femoral artery. that's the part that scares me the most. one nick of that and not only am i a bleeder, i'm most likely a goner.

finding my way

2011-08-12T23:27:00.000-04:00

i'd like to say that this week is over and i have a great weekend ahead of me but that is just not the case.
due to the clusterfuck of a move this past week, our shop is still not up and running like it should be. no air to run our tools or power to charge our batteries, we will be working til tuesday off a generator and portable compressors.
because we haven't had air or power all week, we haven't been able to work on any orders that are set to ship first of the week. therefore, we are working tomorrow and sunday to get a 120 piece order and a standard restaurant package out monday.
it's just beyond me how fucking retarded it is to move a production facility into a building that isn't ready for production.

i've been a mess all week because of this fact. it's made me hate my job, hate the people i work for, and want to quit. my neck and shoulder won't stop hurting, my heartburn is back in full force, and the arches of my feet kill.
i've already decided (and cleared with my benefactor) that with monday sept 5 being a paid holiday, starting that tues i'm going to 3 days a week. mon, tue, thurs only.
they can suck it.

that will give me the time i need to finish transcription and do that the right way and land a job.
i might even get back on my b0wling league. i miss those ladies.

and with big girl home, i really feel like i need to be here when she goes to school and gets home from school. now more than ever i need to be home.

i wanted to post this on a secrets site...

2011-08-08T05:10:00.000-04:00

....but i knew it would be too long.

So I went out with a guy I used to work with tonight. He told me to meet him at a particular crossroads without telling me where specifically.
He called me on the way and was jacked up on coke, talking a million miles an hour. He told me to meet him at a 'theatre'. Knowing this town, I knew that it was some sort of adult theatre.

I get there before him and wait in my car. We talked on the phone til he got there.
I was wet and ready to fuck him.

We end up in a private room watching the porn loop. I have wanted to fuck him for quite some time. We bumped some coke and he asked me to take my clothes off.
Being a stereotypical latin guy, he liked telling me what to do. I'm usually the assertive one so it was a role I am not used to.

Four hours later, he's still jacking himself trying to get hard. The coke had him down for the count. It's not my first rodeo - I knew this would happen.

A guy opens the door and asks to come in. My guy asks him some questions but I already knew that old guy wasn't going to touch me. He was an older black guy, well dressed and looking for anything.

My guy had been talking all night about wanting to suck black cock. He went on and on about the women he had been with that had said they didn't like black guys but that they secretly did and he got them to fuck all sorts of black guys.

I told my guy when the old dude walked in that it wasn't going to happen. This guy was not going to touch me in any way nor was I going to touch him.
I had told my guy up front that black is not my preference nor had I ever been with a black guy.

My guy talked to the old guy a bit - telling him to talk to me, asking if my tits were nice, etc. The black guy was ready to get sucked or fucked or at least touched.
But not by a dude.

I told my guy I would touch the old guy if he blew him first. My guy was into it. He was finally getting hard when I said that.
But the old dude said he wasn't looking for a guy, got up and zipped his pants as he left us.

The coke started to run out. My guy said we could go get more from his thug dealer and he had a scenario all worked out for me to at least blow the guy, right down to telling me what I should say.

It was never weird - I've been with guys that liked guys before. But his obsession with sucking black cock was one thing I could not get into. It was a major turn off.

We left at 4am.
I will see him when I get to work at 7:30am, as he heads up the crew that is moving my job.
Will it be weird? No.
Will I have a different opinion of him now? Most definitely.
Will I ever blow a black dude to appease him? Only if he does it first.

so soon? part deux

2011-08-03T22:08:00.001-04:00

another day in the sweat shop.
another day done.

i whacked the front of my shin, towards my ankle, on the side of the table today. i was jumping up on the table to work on a picture i was framing (a canvas that is 85"x52" framed) and well, i don't have much vertical.
after my wound that goes from my knee to almost my ankle and now this... my left leg is fucked.
so, i've been in the chair with my leg up and iced for the last hour. the pain meds are kicking in and i probably won't be able to get out of the chair any time soon.

and i have a date in a few weeks.
it's with a gal that i've known for many years. we've met up a few times over the years - the last time was last year up in the woods.
she's married and it's purely about the sex.
the last time we saw each other, i was up in the woods overnight and she came for a few hours during her workday. it had been some time since we saw each other and i wanted her to be as comfortable as possible. i had fruit and wine and even some weed but her comfort level never really leveled out enough.
seeing her this time is going to be exciting - we've been exchanging email, hoping to overcome the awkwardness of anything, and continue to understand expectations (which are none other than sex) and i'm so very looking forward to her.

and i think i need to take some more pain meds....

some shit went down...

2011-08-01T20:52:00.002-04:00

well..... big girl has been home a few days more than a week.
she's got new bedroom furniture, getting registered for her senior year next tuesday - at the same high school she went to fresh year, moved all her things from her grandparents house to my house, has been to therapy twice and the head dr once for a med change.
this evening, she went to the movies with her buddy J (my other child).

i have mixed feelings about her coming home.
well, i'm not sure if that's the correct terminology.
baby girl and i had a routine that we thrived in for two years. a routine that was fine tuned and brought us to a really good place once Y was out of the picture.
now, we have to incorporate big girl into that routine - modify that routine that has us going in a great direction. not that that is a bad thing, mind you. i feel truly lucky to have big girl home where she belongs. but i'm already seeing it within baby girl - the sadness and disappointment of having to share me with someone again.
this weekend, i spent a lot of time in big girl's room putting together furniture. it's nothing i wanted to do but i had to so it would get done. baby girl had a hard time understanding why i was spending so much time with big girl and not her.
i know... i know... it's a series of adjustments that we all have to get used to all over again. but it's going to be a long period of adjustment. one that comes right before school starting (aug 23).

and big girl talked me into setting up and account with an 0nline dating site. i haven't done anything more than set up the profile and answer about 9,529 questions - all in the effort to match, mind you. there isn't much else i can do until i pay and i'm having a hard time justifying that part of it.

remember last year when i spoke of a guy that i dated in high school and broke up with him to date R ? another J for the ranks.
anyway - he and his son will be in the area this weekend for their annual vacation. i'm looking forward to it, to seeing him and his son again.
J is engaged to a really nice gal that he met through an 0nline inter.racial dating site. i met her when they passed through several months ago on their way to the south end of the state.
that means - no playing nudist this trip with J. heh..

and i'm jonesing for more ink. already.
i want one behind my ear. i want it to say "heh.."
my attitude towards life.

i don't have much to say about R right now. i'm very disappointed in him. i can say this with certainty.

and i don't think i have much to say about bl00ger right now either. it's changed. i don't know yet if for the better or not...

whadda'ya think?

so soon?

2011-07-18T21:21:00.003-04:00

if one of your parents and your partner fell ill at the same time, which would you choose to care for?

i was asked this today and it made me think.

if mother became sick and needed to be cared for, of course i would be first in line to take care of her. she's my mother. i'm the one that came crying out of her vagina.
but if you knew my mother, you would also know that she would have the best nurses caring for her in every possible way. my spot in line would be AFTER the best doctors in the field, the best nurses around, and only the best meds money could buy.

if my significant other became ill and needed to be cared for, of course i would take care of them. as my significant other, i would be committed to seeing them through the best and worst of times. that's a no brainer.

but if both of them were to become ill at the same time, should my loyalty come into question on any level?

i'm torn about this question.
but even if i am torn, it's not a question of loyalty.

just something else to make me think.

this one goes out to the one i love..

2011-07-13T22:30:00.002-04:00

ok.... you got me here.

i can't say with certainty how many times i've laid in bed thinking that i needed to post something. i think about it at work, too. i work out all these things that i think i want to say and when i finally get to the point where i am able to post something, i'm dead to the world in bed.

work.
it's exhausting.
we are amazingly busy right now and the icing on the cake - the shop is like working in an oven. two weeks ago, it was 98 in the shop.
it gets unbearable.
that same week, i noticed that by 1:00 i stopped sweating. i had downed two gallons of water by 1 in the afternoon and it was mid 90s in the shop. the fans were doing a grand job of just blowing around the hot, steamy air. and i had stopped sweating. the headache set in and i thought i was going to die.
since then, i'm just spent.
i even looked up guidelines on the oh-sha website about workplace conditions. ya, we are in violation. i think oh-sha would close us down. and knowing that a report can be done anonymously is a real turn on for me.

but i continue to chug along and hope for a promotion in the office at some point. my aunt is working on something for herself and if she lands it, it will include me as her assistant.
hello desk in the a/c! woot!!

i really love my job though. i love making things every day, doing the best i can, knowing that nothing leaves the shop until i say it's worthy, and people in hospitals and hotels and restaurants see what myself and my coworkers have made.
but i LOVE a/c more than all that.

other than the 10 mintues it takes for me to update a webpage every week, this is the first time i've been on my computer. everything i do is from my phone these days. it's just too easy..

got my new ink on the family reunion trip to gatlin.burg. it was sort of a fluke but i loved the work of one artist in particular and he really did a great job with what we talked about. my favorite flowers for both my girls and i really think the filigree really sets it all off in a feminine yet strong way.
and my arm feels balanced now.
heh..

another foreign concept i've taken advantage of - dating.
it's been ages and it's been fucking fantastic.
it's made me feel liberated and young and carefree and desirable.
it's made me realize how much i put on hold and stifled and suffered through with someone in particular.

baby girl is perfection.
she's 9 and on top of the world. she loves science summer camp. she wants to grow up to be a z00logist. "i want to work with animals but be more than a veterinarian, momma" she tells me. i love this.

big girl will be home next week for another visit.
she's growing up too damn fast and thinks she needs a car for her 18th bday.
ya, that ain't happening. no need for a car. there is one up there for her to drive and when she comes home for university, she will be 10 minutes from me - no need for a car.

i have such a rejuvenated outlook lately.
i feel great about myself and my kids.
i feel great about my home and by responsibilities.
i feel great about cutting the ties i've had to and the ties that i'm establishing.
i just feel fucking great.

now....
if i could just get my ass to chi-town for a visit and i will be in business.

miss you.

deleted from memory

2011-05-22T21:27:00.002-04:00

it's been quite some time.
i'd like to say that i've got tons to say but in the end, i really don't feel as if i have much to say at all.
there have been many times when, on the way home from work, i've thought how i needed to sit down and write. and through the evening routine and the thought i put into it, i never do.

there have been many strides in the right direction though.
mainly - i've not been in any contact with Y whatsoever. it just took one more time of her telling me what i think and feel is wrong with accusations of untruths for me to wake the fuck up finally.
when she told me to stay the fuck out of her life, that was it.
i walked and did not look back.
she wouldn't give my house key back so i paid the $225 and had a locksmith come to my house that very next evening and rekey my locks.
that simple act of having a new key in my hand - that was a big part of operation: liberation.

i won't lie.... i think of her still too often. all the what if's and what should have been and that sort of crap. the things that she always said she wanted but never worked towards in any way. the sacrifices that i made within my own family for her that were never acknowledged in any way...

bottom line - i haven't felt this good in years.
i haven't felt this free and independent in years.
i haven't felt this awesome in years!

and i see it in baby girl, too. her smile is bigger. her eyes are brighter. her attitude is better.
just everything has gotten better and seems to improve more and more every day.

and now that i'm actually logged in and here, i really feel as if i have nothing to say.
i'm sunburnt, have a terriffic headache from what was a nice afternoon drunk, and just plain tired.
had a great afternoon at a friend's house by the pool, kids laughing, music on, beer flowing, and great fellowship all the way around.

this is the first weekend in a long time that i've had such a great time.

2011-04-03T20:53:00.002-04:00

where does the time go?

actually, i know exactly where it goes.
during the week - it goes to the routine of school, work, homework, the evening routine, and then falling asleep stretched across the bed with dogs that still need to go out for the last time at night.
during the weekend - well.... pretty much the same but without the work and school.

i've faltered so many times in the passing weeks.
i will admit it.
i don't know why i keep thinking that certain words are enough to make up for anything.

but after this weekend, in picking myself up off the ground, i know what is and isn't.

i've got a really great house and a really great life overall.
i don't know why i keep hanging on to negativity and irresponsibility.
it drives me fucking insane for anyone to not be accountable for their actions. it's taken me quite some time to realize that and stick to it but the time is now.

work is work.
i've got to stop smoking p0t long enough to demand i go full time, on the payroll, and no more 1o99 work.

life is life.
i've got to finish all these little projects i've started and get shit done for a change. i now can without all the distractions.

kids is kids.
baby girl is doing great.
big girl is doing great.

love is love.
and i love my kids and dogs.

but i feel like i'm longing for something again.
i think i just need a trip somewhere. unfortunately, i don't think that's going to happen until the end of june when i travel to b0wl again. never been to syracuse_ny so we shall see how great that place is.
i fear it's not going to be as great as any other place i've been.
and we all know - nothing compares to chi-town ;-)

really though - i've got nothing.
i feel like i'm spinning my wheels right now but in a somewhat productive way.
i'm trying to expand my horizons and let go of certain aspects of my life.
i'm learning to be alone still and it's a new and refreshing thing definitely.
my circle of friends has dwindled down to nothing outside of family and as pathetic as that is, it's still not so damn bad.

itchin'for a sandy crack

2011-03-10T21:35:00.004-05:00

it's been a busy week. just as they always are lately..

the weekend with big girl was awesome. it was great having her home.
she wants to come home to go to college. she wants to be a math teacher.
i hope our governor is not around then..

work has left me disgruntled and impatient.
i'm feeling unsettled right now.
but i suck it up every day and do what i have to do.
we shall see how it pays off..

my house is a little chaotic lately.
it has been awesome with just my dogs and no one elses. it's been fabulous to get things accomplished. life on my terms has been wonderful.
i can't believe i let it go for so long.

but the house still feels chaotic.
getting baby girl's room swapped into the front/bigger room has left her old room a fucking mess of the shit i don't even want to deal with.
the hallway is lined with boxes of crap to deal with.
the dining room table is covered with crap, too.

sigh..

i want new furniture.
i want a new couch, a chair and a half with ottoman, dining room table, and two new mattresses (a full size for baby girl and a cali king for me).
and i want two chairs recovered.
and i want my house painted, in and out.

and i want my back yard graded to drain better and new sod.
and a pallet of flagst0ne.
and a dump truck of motivation.
and a winning p0werball ticket.

heh...

probably going to the beach this weekend with my auntie D and her family.
it would be a nice get away, even though i gotta drag 3 dogs - one of which is not nearly house broken.

was supposed to go to a fet.ish thing again this sat.
i don't even have the gumption to do that this weekend at all.
but i want to not miss the next one.

next transmission - from the sand...

bulldogged again

2011-02-28T21:55:00.004-05:00

work is work. i've got blisters on my blisters. my shoulders, arms, and chest get more ripped every day. manual labor ROCKS.

the pup is awesome. she's feisty and sassy and takes no shit. only one corner of the house has an occasional pile of crap any more.
the bug is 10 weeks old today.

doing the kid swap this weekend. big girl is here, baby girl is there.
big girl is coming home to shop for a pr0m dress.
baby girl just wants to see her daddy.

it will be awesome to have big girl home. she's not been here since ohchrist.mas.
the last time she was here, Y was here.

my... how things have changed.

deleted from memory

2011-02-20T00:31:00.003-05:00

i always think of shit throughout the day to write about. all these things that cross my mind or that i want to just write about because it feels good - seems like i should have rather lengthy posts every day.

sitting in bed with the bullys, the brown bomber on his bed, snoring, by my side of the bed.
seems like i do this every night til well after midnight.
tv sucks after the news. even my 9,284 channels - there's 57 channels and nothing's on..

ess.an.el is a repeat with paul.rudd. i absolutely LOVE this guy.
he reminds me of my boyfriend i broke up with for R.

how this guy makes me feel in my nether regions is insane.
and that pic i just g00gled & linked is so fucking hot!

this coming week is going to suck at work.
i've got two canvas packages to texture, one to ship wed, the other thurs. i'm going to absolutely be huffing it for three days, painting my ass off.

sigh.
i'm not feeling my job like i was.
i still love it but they brought in a guy that i've dubbed 'wonder boy'.
he's now the go-to guy.
and very well he should be. he's framed for years and he's got his goddammed masters in art preservation. he is The Man.

no one is discussing quality assurance with him so i guess that's still my job. but i haven't even had the damn time to do that part of my job becasue of all the fucking canvas i've been dealing with.

ya, i feel threatened by this guy's experience.
and it would piss me off if i found out he got paid more than me.

and we are all eating crow this week with a second shift coming in.
it consists of the guy that was the production mgr for about 3 months, that was a no call no show for two days, then came in to quit, and his two migrant w0rkers.
that whole thing pisses me off for a multitude of reasons.

this guy was a prick. i don't know if i ever posted any thing about him..
he's a latin guy, decent looking, great body, that thrives on the women fawning all over him. he is a smooth talker and subtly sexually harrasses you to make you think he's flirting.
a real prick.

he went looney when he found out i went to private high school and wore a uniform skirt.
when i see him, i'm going to tell him about my fet.ish club outfit plans, get his dick rock hard, then knee him right in the balls.
the fuck.

i'm thinking about a motorcycle again.
the economic factor in it is what turns me on to the idea.
my job is getting ready to move clear across town. between home and there, there is not one semi-direct route.
it's just gonna suck driving a sherman tank..

ya. i'm bitter this evening.

and like a ten ton truck, i don't give a fuck.

xo.

469

2011-02-16T22:24:00.000-05:00

it's been eventful.

two weekends ago, i went to a fet.ish club with a friend of mine. it was quite interesting, indeed. a voyeur's wet dream, indeed.
no sex but lots of pasties and duct tape. lots of flogging and suspension. lots of leather and lace. and waayyy too many double 7n7s in me, that's for certain.

i spent the entire next day throwing up, so hungover.
and so anticipating the next club event in march.
heh..

last weekend, baby girl ended up at the beach with my mom due to her being sick.
i wasn't at the beach 8 hours before i was sick.
this time, it was legit and it was my lower gee.eye tract and it was miserable.
from 10am sat to 8am sun, i was in bed.

it took me a few days to shake that bad feeling. it was tues before i ate, i think..

i got baby girl a dog.
when Y left, she took the pup we got at the turkey holiday. the pup was rightfully hers. it is what it is.
but baby girl was very upset about this loss.
and i set out to fix it.
and by god, momma did.

on valen.tines day, i took my baby girl out to dinner and then told her i had a big surprise for her. but we had to go alllll the way to the airport to get it.
she was so excited when she saw the pup.. so happy to have a dog of her own.

this pup and our tanker have the same father.
great fucking bloodline.
i think we have our breeder...

.
.
.
.

i need you to know something.
i've been strong.
i've been confident.
i've been lonely but have found so much solace in home and my family and this routine and this life of love and happiness.

the problems of others - i can not let that be my burden. it's not my insecurities and inabilities that rule others. it's not anyone's insecurities or inabilities that rule me.

i'm back and i'm better than ever.

i got nothin'

2011-02-03T22:45:00.004-05:00

i like my little blooger icon thing - my 'made for me' l0ng island with custom ice.

those were good days when i would frequent this place.
there was a gal that worked there that became a very good friend of mine. if there was anyone on the planet that i could be with eternally, it would have been her. she was my rock&roller gal.. my ideal in a woman.
but she wasn't like that. she was one of the closest friends i've ever had - one of those things that just happens and fits really great together.
but she knew how i felt about her. she knew exactly how i felt about her.
her husband - the loser prick he was - didn't like the fact that her and i were close. he began to give her shit, instigate fights, and be more of an ass.
because of what he was doing to her, based on me, i felt it was better to ease off and let them work their shit out. and they had a lot of shit to work out.
(he didn't work much, their house was going into foreclosure, lived beyond their means..)
of course, it was hard for me to be friends with her, too. i was with Y. i couldn't have friends.
my friendship was clandestine and it just plain out sucked.

with the events of last week (wow. tomorrow is a week already), i reached out to her to apologize for walking away from our friendship but i was not able to contribute to it and it was causing trouble between her and her husband.
we talked about 15 minutes. she assured me that i treated our frienship like shit and that she can't just put her trust right back into me.
i never hurt her - i never lied to her, i never stabbed her in the back, i never nothing negative ever against her. but i did walk away because her husband didn't like me liking his wife.
i've made effort every day since saturday afternoon since we talked to be a part of her day with trying to call her and txt msgs to no avail.

and i will continue to do so.

i don't know if she's going to come around or forgive me or let me back into her world.....

guess we will call her P.
we have the same middle name. she is P.L and i'm E.L
we always thought that was cool. heh...

i'm sure i've talked about her before....

breathe

2011-02-01T21:11:00.003-05:00

...again.

where to start...
really, it's been eventful.
i've been constantly running through the events of this past friday, still not knowing what the hell happened.
she came home and would not shut the fuck up about why she needs to go home, how much of her savings she's spent since living with me, how she can't contribute any more money towards groceries....
and i looked at her and told her "you always want me to be amicable - this is where i'm going to be amicable," took the house key off her keys, and left with baby girl.
two hours later we came home and everything of hers was gone.
three dogs, two cats, the coffee pot, a set of knives.... her clothes and toiletries.... her truck in the driveway... her.... - those are the things that are gone.

for two years, she's been hinting at and justifying why she should leave. i don't know if it's a threat to try to keep me in check or what but it's been C O N S T A N T F O R T W O A N D A H A L F Y E A R S.
when we would really get into it and she would ask me to not be an ass and just be amicable about it...
but i'd fight for it like a fool. i would get pissed that she wanted to leave, that she was accusing me A G A I N of something i did not do in any way.

it's the same ol'story, same ol'song and dance, my friend...

she broke me.
never before have i had to invest so much of my sanity into something.
in the end, friday evening, when baby girl and i were at our favorite asian buffet, i cracked. mentally, i just gave up.

yesterday, i missed her.
this morning, i missed her.
this evening, i miss her.
but i know how bad she is for me. how bad we are for each other.
i realize how much damage has been done to both of us, by both of us.

but i miss her just the same.

work is work. been absolutely swamped with canvas the past few weeks.
doing the usual canvas package for 30 of these renovations by april, doing a canvas package for this place about one a week for a few months, for some reason we are getting more custom canvas orders in...

i'm going to run that damn shop.
that's my goal. to be shop manager.

and that fact really disappoints my mom.
heh..

2011-01-10T08:55:00.001-05:00

Still drowning. This time its the shit in my chest. I hate being sick.
I'm glad the holidays have ended. I have always hated Christmas.
Everything is the same - a waiting game.
I miss you, friends.

officially the four-six-five

2010-12-15T22:15:00.002-05:00

one word - drowning.

that sums it all up. everything i'm feeling, everything i'm doing, every step i take....

i do hope that this weekend lightens the world with big girl coming home. i'm so looking forward to a good dose of her.
we all are.

i'm also going to go back into scanning.
got a tech that is going to let me come in and her rehash everything with me.
i've got to go where the money and hours are.
as much as i love my job now, it's too physical and there will never be any money in it.

again - my mom was right.

four six five

2010-11-01T09:59:00.002-04:00

i called in sick to work today.
i was a bit hungover from last night but i could have gone to work. but there is too much to do around here today and i've accumulated enough over time to even it out. and i can justify almost anything.
heh...

it's hard to be light hearted around here lately.
the recent diagnosis has been difficult to deal with. the many visits to the dr are already wearing thin.
but it's a necessity.
i'm not going to let her not take care of herself or miss an appt or anything.
she's going to beat this.

we are looking forward to the turkey holiday, too. planning a trip to the midwest to visit a ranch.

big girl is coming home this coming weekend. baby girl is going up there so it will be a total swap.
i really can't remember when big girl was here last...
it will be good anyway.

i'm off to get my hairs cut. it's been months since i've gotten it cut and if i don't go today, i will end up shaving my head.

but the bulld0g is snoring next to me and the big orange cat is curled up in the blanket. it's tempting.... to...

just......

stay right here.

#463

2010-10-10T08:14:00.003-04:00

when i try to get 'back in the loop' and have a somewhat regular schedule and normal life, there is always some sort of wrench thrown in the works.

yes, i'm guilty.
i'm not even going to discuss why i'm guilty.
you know why.

and i regret every goddammed second of it.

my life has been a fucking prison for too long and i've taken too much laying down and not being anything but submissive.
it breaks my heart that i've done the things i've done to the people i claim to love.

but, dammit.... all the love i'm capable of just isn't enough. i still sabotage things to the point where it makes people not want to be with me. i still manage to have my entire life thrown back in my face every goddammed day.

through the interrogations and manipulations and accusations - especially when it's said that isn't going to happen anymore - people wonder why i lose my shit like i do.
when i'm honest and forthright and bare my soul, it's NEVER fucking enough for anyone.

she broke me.
she ruined me.
she made me feel worthless and incapable.
she made me feel like a criminal.

i should have beat her ass when i had the chance.

piling up...

2010-09-12T07:52:00.004-04:00

could it be?
perhaps a renewed interest.
or something.

i think it's more a combo of having the time, being able to, with a dash of lonely thrown in for good measure.

so, i use bl0glines for my reader thing for bl0gs. but they are shutting down the first of the month.
any suggestions?
i really do not like the g00gle reader thing.
i like bl0glines. been using it for years. i don't want to have to change..

baby girl is going to her first pro football game today. it didn't sell out so it's blacked out locally on tv.
it will be fun. it's hard to not have a good time up in the luxury suite. heh..

the dogs have been out for two hours already. i hope they understand how different the routine is on the weekends. i hope they understand that the days the baby and momma are home all day - those are the two days (or holidays) momma doesn't have to work.

thinking about having some prints done at work.
having a photgraph printed on canvas and then doing the texture over it.
run the photo through a few filters to get a neat effect on it... have it printed 50x50... ya, that would be cool.
do one of the brown dog and one of the bulld0g.

i won't be using the mug shot tho...

afternoon lull

2010-09-11T13:38:00.004-04:00

it's been a lazy day.
the sun is blazin'hot so that negates mowing the grass til late afternoon.
the little dogs are in their crates - brown dog is at the end of the bed.

baby girl has been in the bed wtih me off and on.
she's also done her homework (not due til thurs) and worked in a few of her workbooks, drew some more of her comic, and got lost in her 'book of dragons' she's drawing.

and we are waiting on a pizza.
heh...

the plan is to starting packing up things in big girl's room.
she doesn't live here any more - i want baby girl in the bigger room now.

big girl doesn't like the idea but it's how it is.
i will always have a bed for her to sleep in when she visits.

been lost in the hist0ry channel and all the shows on about nine 0ne 0ne.
i wasn't even pregnant with baby girl then. she's one of those 'post event children' - like hurricane or blizzard babies. i remember exactly when i got pregnant with her.
two weeks later.

i do remember walking into class that morning and the people that were there looked like zombies. i was going to the tech school then. it was some data.base class...
all day we sat and watched the news.

everything felt so unfamiliar and violated.

huh?

2010-09-09T22:23:00.004-04:00

saw the 'quick.share.button' when i logged in. that would be the kiss of death for an an0n blogger.

ya, it's been awhile. i was thinking about that while i was at work today.
but it's been quite the cluster fuck.

the bday dinner started off great. it was nice, actually.
and it deteriorated quickly.
no bday n00kie for me.

the next day, R was sick. it progressed to something consuming.
but today, he's better and on the mend.
big girl has been taking good care of him.

work has been hard.
not mentally but physically.
stretching canvas has taken a toll on my hands and right arm. my arth.a.ritis has really come back with a vengeance - my left thumb is almost frozen, while my right hand is going to shrivel up and fall off at any moment.
and today, it caught up with me. it took forever for me to even get close to finishing up my job today. in the 8 hours i was there, i probably really did about 4 hours worth of work.
it's been discouraging anyway. i've been cutting stretcher bars, stretching canvas, and the texture job. today, we needed two jobs complete to pack and ship. with 23 prints per job (of varying sizes) and getting the word on the jobs thurs of last week, to do the cutting, stretching, and texturing - it's almost become too much for me to do in the time frames they give me.
and i don't get paid that damn much. i haven't gotten my raise yet.

baby girl and i have been walking several times a week in the evenings.
we met an older couple down the road that also have a bulld0g.
it's been good - refreshing - for us to get out and walk.
we both need it badly.

and right now - all the lights in the house are off, baby girl is sleeping soundly, the little pups are snoozing at the end of the bed, big brown is snoring on his bed. i checked on the lil'stirfry not too long ago - she's safe on the porch.
everything has such a feeling of peace lately.
there is an odd harmony among us all, under this roof, together.

i like it.

it's a start, right?!

the four-five-nine

2010-08-27T01:45:00.000-04:00

holyshit!
so, i struggled through the post from my phone earlier.
my net has been fucked up for almost two weeks - something with the fiber optic or something. i just let it go, knowing that my across-the-street neighbor had already reported her issue and they said something was damaged.
since then, i've just put up my laptop and relied heavily on my no-so-smart phone.

but then i struggled to type the last post - able to get a cursor in the title box but nowhere in the body box. and could most certainly comment like a champ, but from my not-so-smart phone, it just sucked ass.

then i came up with the grand idea to fire up my laptop and write something in n0tepad to upload in the morning when i go to mom's to scam her wireless to do some web work.

but then i notice that i've got my little blue mushroom thing on my connection icon that is identifying MY router and not some 'unknown connection' that never connected.

and BAM! here i am. finally!

it sorta feels good to be sitting in bed, laptop where it's supposed to be (in my lap, in case you couldn't figure that one out), and my bulld0g by my side snoring like a champ.
this movie is on the tv and i love it even though it's been edited to a totally different movie just about (you know - formatted for tv with time and content).

i've been drinking a lot of orange gat0rade at work. not just the orange colored one but 'orange' flavor. to me, that's the only flavor g'ade out there.
i think it's staining my teeth.
i don't think it's supposed to do that.

work is work. lots of canvas stretching and glass cutting and texturing and framing. i'm pretty much the only person that stretches canvas any more. the kid that used to got fired two weeks ago so it sorta fell on me.
but really, that's fine. i need the hours - they want me there full time anyway.
and both big bosses have said "she's just such an asset in the shop."

now it's time to ask for a raise.
especially if i'm such an asset and they want me 40 hours and it's taking away from my online class which is prolonging my career and full time means that i'm not contract which means taxes will be deducted.....
one leads to another and to another and with no punctuation, i bet that drives you nuts, A.
heh...

last week was strange.
baby girl was with her dad for the week to visit before school started. it was just the animals and me. i'd get up early, drink some coffee, do the routine, and go to work.
i'd come home, drink some coffee, eat a little something, do the bare minimum of a routine, and go to sleep.
i think i was asleep every evening by 6:30. i'd wake up every now and then to catch the score of the baseball games, put the dogs out (especially big girl's dog that i still have - a story in itself), and go back to bed.

but i could do that. i didn't have baby girl so i was on my own routine, meshed with the dog routine. and it was nice.

but because i could do that, i also am playing catch up this week doing all the things i should have done last week.

last friday, i had new windows installed. they did the entire house except for my bedroom and the girls bathroom (that window was on back order. how does that happen when they supposedly 'made' my windows in the 4 weeks between the measuring and the installing?).
they had to come back monday to finish the job. and it rained all goddammed day monday. great day to install windows, eh?
baby girl had her 'teacher meet and greet' monday afternoon so she stayed with my mom while i was at work. mom and baby girl met the window guys for the job completion late morning (even tho it's not complete - they didn't hook the security system sensors back up on any of the new windows, the jackwag0ns).
i hate hate HATE for my mother to be in my house when i'm not home. she's worse than a babysitter looking for liquor or drugs to scam. she goes through absolutely EVERYTHING at least twice.
i got chastised for the stack of newspapers out the garage door awaiting to be recycled. ok - so it was two months worth of papers. shut up, mom. at least the pile is neat and ready to be taken to the curb whenever i get the gumption to do it.
or the pile falls over. whichever happens first..
i got lectured on the condition of my yard and the mess the animals have made it. ok - so the cats have a particular wicker chair they like to sharpen their claws on. i can't get rid of the only place the cats sharpen their claws because then they will find something else to claw and i don't want that to happen. i like the fact that they limit their claw sharpening to one piece of furniture and it's wicker rather than upholstery. and ok - so i have a bulld0g that carries everything i ever touched out in the yard and a pup (that needs to go live somewhere else) that is still learning the fine art of pissing in the yard and not the brick patio, which has lead to the constant presence of the hose through the dog door and across the screen porch.

and you know what, mom? while i certainly appreciate the fact that you and my step dad have given me such a wonderful house to live in through my estate trust, and through that trust i've been able to put a new roof on the house, have all new duct work through the house and a new return installed on the other end of the house, and the windows - oh the glorious double paned windows!
but it's my goddammed house and as unorganized and dysfuntional as it may seem to an outsider, it's my goddammed house that functions rather well here lately.

and mom.... edie told me you went through everything. my closet, my drawers, behind my tv in the bedroom, through my desk....
good thing i know you well and anticipated that, mom.

big girl's dog. yes, she's still here.
originally, i brought the pup home because she needed to go to the vet and big girl was planning on moving home.
in the week and a half i had her, crate training her and attempting to teach her to piss outside and not on my wood floor, was absolute misery. this dog put out more urine than she took in and it was constant. twice an hour constant, huge puddles on the floor like it was her first piss of the day.
all.
the.
time.

the dog had a bacterial infection in her bladder. she's on the end of week two of four weeks of antibiotics, with a urine test every week til she's been off the meds a week.
there's no way that big girl would have wanted to deal with that - especially after big girl visiting for a week and doing absolutely NOTHING for the pup the whole week.

being the good mom and animal lover i am, i'm doing the duty of getting the pup healthy.
and that won't happen soon enough so i can be back to my two dog house.
three dogs is just too much. especially when one is a 4 month old pup.

we still have the kitten that baby girl and i found at the grocery store. lil'stirfry is an absolute sweetheart and only wants to be inside with us.
but i don't trust that junkyard cat in the house.
and i refuse to have a shit box for her or any cat. i might have given one secluded part of the counter in the kitchen for the big cats to eat, but i won't have a box of shit for the dogs to snack out of.
not.
at.
all.

it's 1:30 in the AM.
i need to get some rest so i can survive another 8 hour day in the sweat box called work (ya, no A/C in the warehouse - just fans that circulate the hot, steamy air) and have the energy to go to the baseball game tomorrow night. it's another match up with the b00s0x and quite a pivotal series, indeed. this weekend can make or break my team.
and this may be the last game i get to attend for the season. that fact brings a tear to my eye.
but i have gone to 6 games so far this season and that is much better than the 3 i went to last year. but nothing compares to the 23 home games i attended a few years ago.

gawd. if i could see dave.matthews.band 23 times before i die........
seems like i'm so far from that number with 7.
and with them not touring next year... oy'vay.

sigh.

now that i have net at home again, this rocks!
how i've missed you so <3

you, too, A.
heh..

really - do i write for anyone but you, A?

shit. i suck.
i totally forgot that my friend from SD finally synched her phone to this page.
i'm sorry, Sam. i just keep thinking about passing out on that bed and wishing i would have missed my flight. another ride on the ferris wheel of death would have been awesome.
but i toally would have been your c0ck-bl0ck that night. heh...

sleep now.

i dont understand - i can comment & title but cant get a cursor in the text box to post, dammit.

2010-08-26T23:55:00.000-04:00

NSFW

2010-07-11T23:26:00.001-04:00

the title - 'could this be any hotter?'

my response - ya, probably. but it is pretty damn good, just the same.

back to life...

2010-07-10T22:30:00.002-04:00

...back to reality

things are back to normal around here.
yesterday, jay and the boy headed two hours east to catch the aut0train.
baby girl came home this afternoon.
tomorrow, there's a swim party at my mom's for the 8th birthday.

i put up all the photos from my time with jay on the fb00k. it was really a good time.
thursday, his last night, i went over to hang out. his sister and her kids were there. the last time i saw her was 20 years ago yelling at jay to get out of the bathroom. heh..

we sat out on the porch and talked for hours. we drank two bottles of wine and the conversation just flowed.
i think we both said more than we intended but it was so very good just the same.

it was late and we are old - can't stay up like we once could...
his boy had been asleep for hours. jay stripped down to his boxers, i had on my tshirt and panties, and we got in bed with the boy (with jay in the middle).

we woke up with the sun and laughed quietly as the boy snuggled up to his daddy close.
it was hard to leave - felt like there was so much more to say.
but we were going to meet on his way out of town - i was going to be at work and very close to the travel route. i was so looking forward to it..

it was a quick 10 minutes in a parking lot off the interstate.
the boy was happy to see me and we high five'd and blew kisses. jay wrapped his arms around me and we kissed.

it was all very bittersweet.

the four five five

2010-07-07T23:46:00.012-04:00

it's been very easy to get over the ill feelings associated with Y.
well, i haven't had any setbacks or episodes and feel better every day, so all that has to be good, right?

spent the fire.works weekend down at the beach with my mom, stepdad, my oldest younger brother, and his girlfriend. baby girl was with big girl and R for the 8th birthday so it was me and the dogs.
the weather was crappy but there were breaks in the clouds every now and then.
walked the beach with the brown dog and my parents. mom and i hunted shells and talked to my stepdad about family.
it was a great weekend and i wish it could have lasted longer.

but i came home on monday afternoon and not long after, my hi school boy friend, jay, came by and we headed to the coast. he is in town on a long-planned vacation with his son to see family and rented a great condo right on the beach.
jay's sister was keeping his son (she lives 5 minutes from me) so we were at the beach for the night.

we drank some wine and talked some more. the conversation never lapsed with him 20 years ago nor did it now. we come from the same generation and the same area and the same school system and had the same friends when we were young...
and when i left for college, i was pregnant with his baby.

then, i told him i wasn't sure if it was his.
now, with what i learned in ultras0und school (which is pretty damn specific and through and concise and complete), that baby was his.

the nurse mumbled under her breath "4 - 4 1/2 month male" as i started to relax after delivery.
it was dec 12th..... i had only been gone since sept 1.
i was already pregnant when i left. i didn't get pregnant the night before i left like i'd always thought - like i made jay think.

the day before i left for college, i saw jay that morning. we had sex.
late afternoon, i saw my boss at his house. we had sex.
that evening, i saw a guy i had been wanting to go out with for months (even tho i was dating jay). we had sex.

what a fucking whore.

anyway - the time with jay has been great.
we've talked about everything. we've laughed about everything. we've been thankful for this opportunity to reconnect as friends.

we stayed at the beach. we took a shower together and we laid in bed naked, talking and laughing about anything and everything. we fell asleep together and close.

it was nice to be close to someone. it was nice to be close to him.
and we didn't have sex.

we woke up and showered together again and he brought me back home.
the dogs hadn't been out and it wasn't the catastrophe i anticipated but they were really happy to go outside.
he went to his sister's to check on his son - he had a fever during the night..

sort of ended up a big clusterfuck with kids and stuff but we worked it all out. jay and i took his son and his two nephews back across the bridge to his mom's. it was nice to see her after 20 years. i had always liked her and she seemed to have liked me. she was very receptive to me and made me feel welcome. it was nice.

kids got situated, jay and i left. we came back to my neighborhood to have lunch at a german place down the road (used to be in a mall, a place he and i went often).
he told everyone "hey... we haven't seen each other in 20 years. isn't that cool?"

we came back to my house and hung out for a bit - laying in bed watching tv and talking. seems like all we do is laugh..

then we went to the ball game and had a blast. drank a beer (yes, A beer) and watched til the 5th. we walked the tr0p and had hotdogs. laughing and talking, we ate and watched on a big tv til the bottom of the 8th.
it was easy getting out of there leaving early. we had the end of the game on the x.mradio and talked and laughed some more.

back at my house, we had some coffee and sat in the kitchen and talked. politics, the world, our kids, the game, my zoo....
we got in bed naked, watched sp0rts.center, laughed and talked until we fell asleep.

the alarm went off at 6 - he had to get back over the bridge to get his son and i had to work.
about 6:20, he tried to creep to the shower and be quiet - it was funny.
i made coffee and we sat in the kitchen and talked til 7:30.

i'm going over tomorrow after work to hang and have dinner with the whole family. jay and his son leave fri morn for the aut0.train.

i'm so glad that i've had this time with him.
i'm so glad that i've been able to sit and talk about things that have been bothering me for a long time.
i'm so glad that i've been fortunate enough for this to happen.

even if he is gay.
heh...

breathe deep...

2010-06-21T23:19:00.002-04:00

and hope that everything turns out okay.

last week was the family reuni0n in gatlin.burg. i'm so damn glad it's over.
while it was good to see family i haven't seen in 6 years (the last time i went), going sat to sat is a bit long. by about wed, i was ready to go.
the lil'tanker did great, too. on the plane, in the hotel, with people.... she did just great. i was very impressed with her all the way around.

yesterday, i drove to the woods with the girls. big girl was going home and baby girl was going for the week.
i stayed the night and got up this morning to pick berries.
yes - black.berries are coming in and are so very sweet this year. it's just the first ones that are ripe and the bushes are covered with red berries. give it another few weeks and 100# of berries could be picked off the land.

there are going to be a few twists in my upcoming job. i will fine tune all that this week at work.
i just can't travel like they want me to. i can go for 3-4 days a month but not 3-4 days three times a month.

what else....
Amy - i hate when you go on vacation every summer.

xo.

the dog didn't take the remote out in the yard*

2010-06-07T18:27:00.003-04:00

put in a few hours at work today and really tried to sweat as much as humanly possible. anything to try and lose some more weight.

i'm very bothered by my weight right now.
i think it's because i find myself single -gasp!- and would not turn down a drink with anyone at this point.

nah... i don't want to go have drinks because i'm single.
my feet hurt.
my clothes don't fit.
i just need to get it under control rather than binge eating junk food and justifying that third fish.sammich from the arches of the week.

i've got a weight machine on the back porch. and it's been out there for about four years.
i've finally started to use it.
at least i will build up my muscle under my fat.
heh...

no news on the job front. and that's ok.
i had some anxiety on the way to work this morning about it.
travel for work. it sounds so ideal.
but it's not like i get to see the sights wherever they fly me, know what i mean?
and it's not like i will get to go to any cool places like here or here, know what i mean?

hmm....
i got a haircut.
someone said "you went ryan see-crest."
not quite that short but still good.
and it feels so much like hay lately...
looks like it, too.

*it was folded up in the blanket i was using last week. the one that the cleaning lady folded up and put on a chair right before she put the blanket she wants me to use on the bed.

my sunburn is itchy and peeling

2010-06-03T19:51:00.003-04:00

another day...

been working a lot this week. it's been sweaty, hot, achy in my neck and left shoulder....
but i got the job offer. officially.

talked to the big boss today about things. i will train with either my auntie or one other person. they want me ready to do the job in august.

but for now, i continue to goo.

i haven't talked to Y since...
uh....
i don't remember exactly.

since i had to do a hard.reset on my phone, i lost a shitload of txt msgs from her. i hate that.
but then again, there is still a sense of relief in it.

i like going through my days and not having the constant nagging and berating and accusations up my ass.
when it's time to go to bed, that's when i miss her the most.
and in the morning, when i'm pouring my coffee - i miss her then, too.

i don't miss her dishes or her laundry or her smoking or her hair dryer or her work clothes or her dogs.
but i miss her truck in the driveway and watching her in the shower and finding her socks and doing crossword puzzles and her hand in mine...

i'm doing ok though.
there are enough of the things that i don't miss that counteract the things i do miss.

it doesn't make me want to call her.
it doesn't make me want to find out what we can salvage.
it doesn't make me want to drive by her house to see if there is an unknown car there...

i know she bought furniture.
this was something she was dragging her feet on - hoping i'd ask her to come back. she did say that once she bought furniture, there was no coming back.

so, i guess she ain't coming back...

but i haven't asked either.

and i'm looking forward to the weekend.
baby girl and my mom and i are going shopping - getting ready for our big family reuni0n trip.
and i've gotta work in the yard and wash the brown dog and the car.

and hang out and be cool with baby girl.

[blank]

2010-05-25T15:02:00.003-04:00

well... i just haven't felt like posting anything.
i'm sort of at a loss for words.
haven't been talking on the phone as much. haven't been socializing as much. haven't wanted to do much.
i'm just tired. all the time. absolutely lazy wicked tired. all. the. time.
not working this week until thurs. then i will be every day til 4 jobs are done. i heard a rumor that the boss is going to fire the gal that paints artifacts for another restaurant and give the job to me. if that pans out, i'm asking for $15 an hour.
hope to go to the beach this holiday weekend. we were going to go to the woods but the beach is a better option. it will be interesting to see how it's been affected by the 0il.spill, if at all. i'm sure there is something to be seen....
it's going to be sad if there is.

life continues to be quiet and more manageable.
Y is still 'trying to understand' with her incessant questions. i'm vague, if at all.
she wants me to give her my ring back, that since we broke up it doesn't mean what it once did.
well, i don't care - i'm not going to give it back. she gave it to me. i'm keeping it.

nice.... the rain is starting to fall.
my grass needs it desperately. the buckets on the back porch need refilling for the plants on the porch.
my grass needs to be cut.
my plants needs to be tended to.
my car needs to be cleaned out. again.
my brown dog needs a bath.
my bulldog needs an ass beating.

i'm going on a pub.crawl shindig end of next month. a guy i went to hi school with has organized it. the crawl includes jell0.wrestling at his house with a band and nekkid twister! waahoo!
that is totally going to be a good time. i'm looking forward to hanging out, meeting new people, and having a great time.

i think i'm spreading my wings already.
so much for getting hung up on love...

the finest hour

2010-05-20T15:53:00.003-04:00

it's been a few days. but not because i've let anyone back in and they are taking up my time...

until today, i've been a zombie. definitely the walking dead.
staying up til 2 or 3 in the morning on the phone, having a hard time falling asleep anyway, then having to get up at 6:30....
i haven't been getting a lot of sleep.

so, i've been taking baby girl to school and coming home and getting back in bed.
that's been a recipe for disaster though.
i've not gotten anything done.

but today, i've been productive.
i still didn't sleep last night.
i don't know what it is every other night - last night, it was the 7 year old that got in bed with me that kept me up after 2am.

i don't know why i didn't escort her back into her room...
that shit ain't happening again, i know that much.

Y has been begging and justifying to come back. i've stood my ground though.
you would be proud, A. very proud.

turns out that i only worked for an hour and a half on monday and not working the rest of this week. next week, i will probably work every day.

next weekend - the holiday weekend - we are going to go to the woods.
going with my auntie that moved back home and her family. should be a good time.
but i'm not going to have a camera and that kills me a little.

i will be able to get a visual on the black.berries up there though.
they've always been ready to pick end of june/first part of july.
should be interesting...

i need a haircut.

uplifting

2010-05-17T16:06:00.002-04:00

this is totally how i feel today.

liberated.... relieved.... strong....

giddy.

after midnignt..

2010-05-17T02:34:00.003-04:00

i totally had a high school type 3 hour phone call this evening.
it was so fun to rehash and discover the growth and learn more about the life..

we talked about a trip together a few days ago. for a brief moment, we gave it serious thought but it's been postponed. with him coming down with his son the following month, two trips just isn't realistic.
i'm a little disappointed but at the same time glad.
it needs to be a 'no pressure' type situation first.
like it will be going to a ball game in july with kids, know what i mean?

this guy - he was really something to me at one time.
and we shared an experience that is hard to remember but forever connects us on a very moral level.
he was my best friend, my lover, my number one.. he was probably the one person i've ever dated that was truly honest and sincere and genuine.

and he's just that to this day.

we talked about relationships and families and experiences that have made us who we are today.
he's done some things that i would have NEVER EVER expected outta him.
i'm confident i said some things that he NEVER EVER expected outta me.

at the end of the call, we looked forward to the next - we compared our schedules for tomorrow.

it's odd comfort.
it feels good - it's warm and familiar and just the same as i remember it.
but it's something so out of the ordinary.

all i wanted to do was track him down and return his class ring and a bracelet his beloved granpa gave him many years ago.
and it took me about 5 years to do it and about $60 in memberships to various sites i thought he would be part of.
and i found him. eventually.

a long time ago - after the moral humilation and the passing of the relationship, my mom told me that he was going to be my 'when.harry.met.sally' in this life.

i was 19 when i left him for R. still such a baby in this life, just learning to walk..

we had no clue what the future had in store for us then...

change of seasons

2010-05-14T23:06:00.002-04:00

today was full of irony.
some subtle and some right in your face.

i made the comment to someone today that i was going to spend this weekend cleaning out my house and getting rid of the crap in my life.
little did i know that, 8 hours later, i would be watching Y walk out for the last time.
she left her ring this time. she's never left her ring - she's asked for my ring back but has NEVER taken off her ring and thrown it at me, telling me to shove it up my ass.

i'm so tapped emotionally.
i don't know what to do other than watch her walk and wish her well.
i'm so worn out from the accusations, the doubt, the crap... just all of it.

i made mention not too long ago about feeling down because my friends that seemed to understand my situation were no longer able to make time, especially now that i had time. that's changed in the past week or so and that's helped tremendously. it's brought about the confidence i used to have and allowed me to make some sound decisions.

*two hours have passed since starting this post*

i'm going to go to bed. it's not that i'm tired but shit! i'm exhausted.

rocky road*

2010-05-13T08:19:00.006-04:00

killing some time before i head out to work for a few hours.
i didn't intend on going today but my auntie called me yesterday to let me know that a shipment of about 30 prints came in. whether or not any are stretched and ready to goo this morning, i don't know. but i'd rather show up there about 10am to find 10 than not go today and tomorrow, there be 30.

or something..

i made mention of talking to an old friend on the f.b00k.
it's gotten to be a daily thing. every morning, txt msgs are exchanged about music usually. and a 'have a great day..' thought.
this morning started out with a msg regarding the daily.grind. it progressed to a mention of my trip to se.asia, which lead to me taking a pic of my buddha.tat, which lead to a phone call from the old friend as they walked to work.
another 'have a great day..' thought.

was it one of those calls to make it more personal than a txt msg, in some sort of effort for something....

hearing the voice - so many memories associated with that somewhat raspy, soft spoken and very articulate voice... so many years ago when i was still so immature... such a warm and comfortable feeling deep inside...

there's going to be a visit in july. my friend will be traveling with their son (that is 8) and we are planning on a ball game together.
there is a little part of me that would really enjoy a nice, quiet dinner together but i don't dare let on about that one.

not yet.

*a very good way to describe things lately.
well, 'rocky road with extra nuts' is more like it.

not much..

2010-05-06T08:19:00.003-04:00

when one sleeps, are they truly aware of their surroundings to the point they know they are hugging the edge of the bed or are close to their lover?
is one capable of making the 'decision' to sleep close or far from their lover while they are sleeping? one may fall asleep with the thoughts of doing one or the other, but as they sleep, is one capable of 'deciding' to not sleep close to or sp00n their lover?

it's a slow day at home today. i have a laundry list of things to do today but in my morning routine of tv news, i came across an ALL DAY MARATHON of this show.
it's literally on until 11pm tonight.
and the sad truth - i could sit here ALL DAY and watch EVERY SINGLE EPISODE.

but i anticipate my mom calling any time. she's got some things to do before they go back to ita|ia on sunday - one of which is a stop at best.bye.
i'm catching a ride with her because i already had plans on buying season2 of the already mentioned show.

sad? pathetic? introverted?
maybe. ohyes. definitely.
heh..

tomorrow, i'm taking baby girl north to spend the weekend with her dad.
[she will be with dad on moms day and mom on dads day. heh..]
i will also be transporting big girl's pr0m dress.
transporting a pr0m dress to my little girl that has her lear.ners permit.
*cry....*

i'm trying to plan summer - between camp and kids here and there and everywhere, my job and my classes, a family reuni0n, black.berries in the woods, a birthday, a visit from an old friend, trying to arrange a trip for my soul.....

my job.
yes, A, i freaking love it.
mostly just goo'ed prints but i prepped some bigass belt.buckles for framing. i liked doing that. i always figured there was some trick to framing 3.d things but when you stack f0am c0re and sooper.glue it to the back of the buckle, then glue it to the fabric covered backing.... ya, it ain't so hard.
the owner told my auntie that he's looked at my stuff, that he's "very impressed" with my "gooing skills". heh...

i posted a pic on the f.b00k of a canvas i was working on.
it's really mindless work that any m0nkey can do. all you gotta do is follow the brush strokes..
but i like it.

second verse...

2010-05-04T08:12:00.002-04:00

no pics today - i'm on ny new desk.t0p and really not liking this arg0n0mic keyb0ard that is split down the middle. my typing absolutely sucks ass.
or am i realizing how incorrectly i've always typed? heh..

today will be day two of g00ing prints at the shop.
i was there for five hrs yesterday and did 6 prints. one i had to clean the g00 off of and then redo it.
it's really like thick whipped cream out of the bucket and dries like elmers glue.
you paint with the brush strokes of the print and when it dries, there is a bit of texture that makes it look like a real oil painting.
the shop mgr said i have 'good strokes.' heh..

it's very tedious work and it's better to stand up to do the work. i came home very sore and realizing that i am so fucking out of shape to do anything other than sit on my fat ass.

in other news - it's business as usual with Y.
we talk, we laugh, we think things.... then BAM! she starts her shit again.
i lost it last night. i went back to my old ways and got out of control.
and that shit will not happen again.

*yawn* i gotta get ready for work...

last minute...

2010-04-30T16:20:00.002-04:00

been busy today.
baby girl did not have school today so we stayed busy.
helped mom take apart some furniture to make room for more.... bought some new clothes for baby girl and a new slip.n.slide - we going to the woods here shortly!

no time for photos today - i learned how to use eye.tunes. my momma and i sat on the couch while the new furniture was delivered and watched how-do-you-do tutorials.

i have mastered my e.p0d.
heh..

peace.

in the style of A

2010-04-29T09:20:00.015-04:00

it's a very cool morning here today - just might get out and mow the grass. lord knows, my neighbors would appreciate it if i did. heh...

the more i think about this job with my auntie, the more it turns me on.

i wish someone would come over and teach me how to use eye.tunes and my e.p0d.

i regret getting tank fixed.

it's time for more eye candy around my desk - the current photos are starting to fade.

i don't know even want to think about Y.

my big brown dog is keeping my feet warm as i sit at my desk.

i should be ashamed of myself most every day.

getting a new deskt0p system today - gotta have it for trans.scription.

things feel dark and gloomy.

thought about going up to the woods this weekend.

i love my brown dog.

i need a trip. texas was great but I need a trip.

been talking to an old b.f on the fb00k. planning on a r.ay.s game when he's down visiting family in july. is that wrong?

i need a haircut.

visual loss

2010-04-27T08:53:00.004-04:00

again, i should have my nose in one of my books.
but i'm catching up on some online things, surfing for useless info, going through friends of friends on the fb00k and rehashing high school thoughts.

for ohchrist.mas, i got a new camera - one of these.
yesterday, i got it out because it was time for some more 'cute puppy' pics and holyhell.... it's fucking broken. the shutter button (and auto focus and pan and zoom button) was fucking gone. it just wasn't even there at all. all i saw was the inside of the camera where the underside pieces of said button would fit into to control everything.

i immediately thought baby girl was going to get an assbeating for breaking the camera. it would be one she would remember for a lifetime...

then i saw it...

a tooth mark in the casing.

TAAANNKKK!!!!

so much for those cute puppy pics. the lil'bastard.

wanna know something else?
the person that gave it to me for ohchrist.mas - they didn't purchase any type of warranty. one in particular would have covered this in it's entirety and in the store. now i gotta send it off to godknowswhere for whoknows:howlong.

after consulting the committee, it seems as though i'm probably going to take a contract job with my auntie three days a week. it's going to be grunt work in the warehouse spreading stuff they call 'g00' on canvas prints. you paint it on in the same direction as the brush strokes on the print and when it dries, it looks like real paint - texture and all.
it's getting me there and learning things.
and i think it's going to be fucking great.

and i was also notified by the committee that as of immediately, all funding will be cut in half.
so, i gotta get a job and do trans.scription when i can.

i'm not sure what to say about Y.
it is what it is.
we are talking.
i want to be friends. she wants all or nothing.

i'm such a glutton, i know.

crossroads

2010-04-26T10:25:00.005-04:00

i'm well into the meat of my first trans.scription class - i plan on being finished with the first part by fri. it's been easy thus far....

and then i hear from my auntie that has recently moved back to the area and has an awesome job and said she could get me on doing what she does.

you know - i'm not really sure what to call it besides 'pr0ject mgr' because that's what she is.

but it's for restaurants. all the decor inside your favorite chain restaurant (0utback, l0ngh0rn....that sort of place) - my aunt buys and supervises the installs at the location. all the crap that is always screwed into the walls and hangs from the ceilings and greets you at the entrance - ya, that stuff.

she told me a few weeks ago about being able to do some 1O99 work there in the warehouse (framing, stretching canvas, prepping prints, etc..) and i've been thinking about it. it will get me doing something outside of the house a few hours a week - and it's creative on top of that.

then yesterday, she tells me that they are looking for another pr0ject mgr and she bets that her boss would hire me.

uh....what?

so - here i am on mon morning - when i should be doing more transcripti0n work - downloading songs and really thinking about things differently today.

i'm going to go see her at work wed after bowling (she's doing an install tonight and tomorrow) and talk to someone about getting on 1O99 for fri work. be making more than i did at that clinic and it would be something i enjoy.

i could continue mon - thur doing the course work and do this fri gig for a while and see what happens? i've got to continue doing trans.scription regardless.

and fri is when my cleaning lady comes. i can't get any school work done on fri. heh...

the four two oh

2010-04-20T15:33:00.004-04:00

well, here it is again... another post.
sporadic and fragmented as usual.

b0wling was good.
thought something was going to come out of a 5 year friendship but it was not meant to be in texas. that's ok though - i'm not so sure my heart or head could have stood to be close to anyone yet.

l0rd - thank you for the greens the earth provides, the sun our universe thrives in, and the high we do achieve when we try hard enough.

a happenin' saturday night

2010-04-10T21:27:00.002-04:00

i just don't get it.
i just don't understand.
i'm generally a nice person. i'm generous to a fault. i can be serious and i can be fun and i can be spontaneous and i can.....
what i can't be is someones desire, someones object, someones interest at all.....

i took baby girl to meet her dad this morning for spring.break.
i leave tomorrow afternoon to go b0wl in el.pas0.
technically, this evening should have been spent creating alotta havoc.
but i'm sitting on the couch, getting high, and wondering if there really is any point in anything any more. i honestly don't know what in the hell to do with anything any more.
and it's getting to the point where i just don't care.

life is different now. i'm not so sure i like this alone thing.
well, i do like it. it's nice to be the only adult in the house.
but what i don't like is the part when i try to fall back into friendships i had a year ago - things that i put on the back burner while i put all my efforts in my relationship. friendships that were supposed to stand the test of time with people that said they understood my motives and were happy to have me back in their lives. people that have stood me up and left me out and reminded me that i just don't fit in like i used to.

anyway.... it is what it is.
what can i do besides keep my dogs clean, my kid fed, and the house clean.

i'm over it.

my dear friend

2010-04-05T15:22:00.003-04:00

today would have been his 45th birthday.

things are really changing.
life is moving on..
i'm trying to not become stagnate..
organization is happening..
consistency is important.

excited about my upcoming b0wling trip..
will spend some time with a friend from a lifetime ago after that..
then the family reuni0n..
then a plan because clevel@nd rocks.

today it's hot outside. mid 80s feels like summertime already.
big girl and her cousin are at the mall.
i'm in the process of making jelly. bought three flats of strawberries a few days ago.
i haven't accomplished much since being unempl0yed but i feel like i'm establishing my roots at home again. that's important to me right now.

i'm finding myself in it all. as hurt as i've been and for as much as i've longed for lately, i see the light.

and i miss my dear friend. i've thought of him a lot lately and wondered about many things. being in the woods a few weeks ago felt so good.
it felt like home.

i'll always love him.

not too long between posts...

2010-03-25T18:57:00.003-04:00

i'm sitting at the end of the bed with my laptop sliding off my legs. baby girl is outside playing with the kids across the street. it's almost time to call her in and do the night time routine...

i felt like i needed to write something.

i can't remember what i posted last time. i think Y had just left.
well, she came back.
for three days.

when she left, she sent many a hateful txt msg that i did not respond to. i wasn't home when she got the few things she had brought back. she called me a coward and that i was missing my last opportunity to talk her into staying.

i didn't respond to her until today.
i told her i missed her, she rubbed it in my face that she's been seeing a c0p, called me names, and i left it alone.

there is a big part of me that wants to sit in bed and cry.
cry because she's not here.

but the peace of the house overtakes me and i realize - H0LYSHIT THE HOUSE IS SO DAMN QUIET AND I'M NOT FIGHTING!

i miss her.
but it's awesome.

and A - i have not heard from my travel voucher ad.
heh..

sunday morning

2010-03-14T09:17:00.006-04:00

i think i have a hangover this morning.
and the time change sucks ass.

heading to the woods to take make the kid exchange today.
i haven't been to the woods in quite some time.
i need the peace of it today.
i need the quiet and the solitude.
i need the memories of it.

this week has been very difficult for me.
i haven't asked Y to come back but i want to.

she keeps telling me that she's the one that lost - that she's got nothing being where she's at.
she should be happy - she's back home where she's wanted to be for some time.
she has no furniture and is sleeping on a borrowed air mattress with no cable or net, but she is home.
and she's able to slide right back into her life she had before me - with her friends at the m00se l0dge or the am.vet$.

i want to ask her to come back but it's for selfish reasons.
i want the warm body next to me and the companionship and the help and the support and the sex.
i do not want to have to answer to her, report my every goddammed move because she thinks i'm fucking anyone that acknowledges me, deal with the neverending accusations, or her drinking every single goddammed night...

and, for fucks'sake - i have missed my friends so much.

this weekend with big girl has been good. we kept busy and had fun together.
i'm hoping that she will want to come home this summer. with her bf leaving to go to school in ariz0na and Y leaving here.... i'm so hoping she will come home.

the fo'free'fo

2010-03-11T22:21:00.002-05:00

i think it's official.

Y came back tuesday night.
we were going to give it another go. we had recognized where we went wrong and were willing to make the changes necessary. our bond and love was worth it.

we made love tuesday night and fell asleep with our arms wrapped around each other.
wednesday morning, the comfort of the routine was there once more. it felt good. it felt right.
that evening, we had dinner and it seemed like we were going to be ok.
this morning, the comfort of the routine was still there. we left for work feeling good and feeling right.

it's 4 hours since we have been home from work. dinner was cooked. laundry cleaned.
she says, 'you don't love me like i need you to love me. you don't reassure me and you don't care about me. i won't be here when you get home from taking baby girl to meet her father.'

we hash it out for 30 minutes, like civilized people for a change.

she packed what little she had left, threw her house key on the bed (she's never surrendered her key to the house), and loaded up her animals.

she's gone.

the house has that peaceful, quiet feeling again. the same feeling that it had over the weekend.
maybe i'm on to something.

heh...

xo.

last post jan 28

2010-03-05T21:28:00.002-05:00

doesn't seem like that long even though it's truly seemed like four months have passed.

big change on the horizon.
hope to find the light soon.

Y is in the process of moving out.
she left work early to come get her clothes.
she's coming tomorrow with some folks to get some furniture and her dogs.

i want the cats.

there is such a sense of loss in it all.
but there is such a sense of relief at the same time.

i'd like for us to remain friends but i don't see that happening.
we would be really good friends. but to have a relationship - it just ain't happening.

baby girl hasn't even asked when Y is going to be home like she normally does. sort of weird actually.
baby girl and Y have always had a really great bond. Y was a very good mother-type person.

on the other hand, big girl and Y have always butted heads.
i anticipate big girl coming home over the summer.

remember when i traveled with my b0wling league to charl0tte a few years back? i'm doing something like that again only this time it's in el_pas0.
i'm very excited about this trip. it's going to feel great to go do something i enjoy so with people i get along with and like.
and not have to worry if Y is still going to be here when i get home.

i've also been pricing a trip north.
looking at the o5/o7 - 05/10 weekend. maybe stay in a cheap hotel out by the airp0rt.
drive up and get big girl, fly out of sav.annah nonstop to the windy city.

it's been too long.
that was such a rejuvenating trip for all involved.
and this time, i won't forget my damn camera when i show up knocking on someone's door....

bulldog fixin' day, usa

2010-01-28T13:16:00.005-05:00

well... ya.

my job sucks ass. the 8 - 5 grind sucks.
i hate coming home, cooking dinner, putting baby girl in the shower, then straight to bed.
i hate not being home and taking her to school and picking her up every day with plenty of time for some fun together.

i'm waiting on the go-ahead from my mom. going to do an 0nline transcripti0n c0urse - should finish it in about 3 months. i've already tested out of part one. two parts are pretty much ultras0und scho0l all over again then two parts of the actual transcripti0n stuff - learing how to use the equipment, doing transcripti0n, improving speed and accuracy...
nice money and the jobs are out there. nationwide, too.
my pay potential is based on my speed and accuracy. i just need to learn how to spell some things and learn the equipment.
i'm on it.

unfortunately, i think i've lost my ultras0und anything.
it's a 'use it or lose it' type of skill and i've not scanned since august.
i can still see what it's supposed to look like in my mind but to find it and survive doing an actual exam? not happening.

like i said - i hate my job.
everything i was told about the place could not be more true.
groups of latinos that refuse to help me learn anything by speaking english for more than two minutes, the group that sucks up to the office mgr, the med.dept desk.j0ckeys, the dental.desk j0cky...
i'm not racist but i'm the token white girl at this place and no one cuts me any slack.
and for $10 an hour - it ain't worth it any more.

the dog.dr just called - i can pick up the bulld0g any time after 3.
i have been stressing all morning about her coming out of sedati0n.

this is what i want to be doing during the day when i have to and work around things from the convenience of my own home.
work while baby girl is in school - do 4 eight hour days. on wed, work from 1-5, and have the option of working some on the weekends.

speed... and... accuracy.
Speed and Accuracy.
Speed and accuracy.
SPEED AND ACCURACY.

tuesday

2010-01-05T09:37:00.002-05:00

so far this new year, i've cried every single day.

so far this new year, i've come to terms with my life.

so far this new year, i don't see the point in much.

so far this new year, i just don't give a shit anymore.

i just want my friends back.

17 days later...

2009-12-21T07:51:00.004-05:00

how does it happen that i'm in and then i'm out...

took baby girl north yesterday to start the holiday up there. on the 28th, both girls come home for a week or so for the holiday at home.
it's strange to think that we will wake up on ohchristmas morn and there won't be any reason to get out of bed except to let the dogs out to pee.

there's been a new addition to this insane household. a four month old engrish bull aptly named tank. she's fucking awesome already.
she's fit in nicely with the pack and has taken to big brown like a pup to a mother.
the cats aren't too sure about her but that's to be expected. heh...

had my stress.test last week after two abnormal e.kay.gees. both e.kay.gees showed anteri0r infarcti0n. that's freaking damage.
i've been scared shitless since the first test at my primary. they couldn't schedule me for the stress.test til jan 7 so i called a cardi0l0gist and got in three days later.
the longest 9 minutes of my life was spent on that damn treadmill. i was totally white knuckling it the last 3 minutes hanging on as i ran to keep up.
but the e.kay.gee from the test was normal. however, i don't know the results from the pictures taken before and after yet.

it's all anxiety. every symptom has been anxiety.
some things i just can't deal with that well.
but i'm learning new ways.
and the val.ium helps tremendously.
heh...

and so does the tanker...

the four two nine

2009-12-04T08:45:00.003-05:00

well... it's friday.
yipee.

rainy and cold - it's supposed to rain for the next week.

i'm begging for a baptism of my life.
heh..

trying to get my ohchrist.mas shopping done this weekend. seems like i get to the store and i'm clueless as what to get.
baby girl is easy to buy for - she wants everything.
big girl - not so much.

it's going to be an electronic holiday.
already got this for baby girl.
big girl is getting one of these, dude.
they both wanted one of these but they both have the previous version and i can't justify buying the same machine just because the new one has a camera.

personally - all i want for ohchrist.mas is a one way ticket to anywhere.

preferably some where in the far.east.

the first of december? holy christ!

2009-12-01T17:18:00.001-05:00

i got nothing.

well, i got a bad hair cut today. does that count?

and i can't get this song outta my head...

what else....

ya.

xo.

last published november 4

2009-11-24T08:53:00.012-05:00

i don't know why i just quit posting after such a good run.
that's how it goes, i suppose.
i hate how i do that though.

but my routine has been the same.
except for this week - no one is in school. the district decided the end of sept that the kids would have off the whole week. no more just thurs and fri.
it also worked out with big girl's schedule. they are slowly migrating to year round school up there so she has the whole week off, too.

so.... this is my holiday this year.
that means for ohchrist.mas, the girls will be away.
last year, they were home for the eve and i transported the 25th. it was a terrible day.
they will come here on the 26th for ohchrist.mas.

i want to write about big girl but i just don't want to exert the brain power to do it.

now that the weather is finally fall-like, i've spent a lot of time on the back porch. it used to be so nice out here.
for some reason, i just sort of stopped caring about my plants a few years ago. it's been a long year of getting things growing again.

today, i've got to finish the canopy. had to get a replacement after it slowly breaking down. and the cat walking all over it and laying on it didn't help.
especially the day he fell through.
heh... that was funny.

but i've got to finish drilling new holes in the skeleton after being assured that this was the correct replacement of the three available. the spacing on my frame was surely the same as between the clips on the canopy. the differences in the three were simply the spacing of the clips - only millimeters.

well guess what?
it ain't right.
by inches.

after going to three different commercial home stores, i finally found more bits for my trusty dremm3l so i can finish drilling holes in the right places for the canopy they refuse to take back because i didn't open it in a timely enough manner.

i did let it sit in the box for two and a half months before i opened it.
they have a 30 day return policy.
they especially won't take it back since i unpacked it.
the fuckers.

pumped up

bedtime

2009-11-04T20:13:00.001-05:00

i love the fact that babygirl goes to bed with no tv anymore. it was a tough transition but sooo worth it.

five-two-five

2009-11-04T14:33:00.000-05:00

things are just about the same.

front two four two

2009-10-29T09:49:00.004-04:00

going to the beach again tomorrow.
three weekends.
in. a. row.
this makes me terribly happy inside.

house still isn't where i want it to be. i'm too busy going to the beach, i guess.
i need to find some time to paint tho. i need to find some time to paint. soon.

anyway... it's really post # 424.

nothing

2009-10-20T13:52:00.002-04:00

...feels right

...seems right

...looks right

...is right.

four two two

2009-10-16T08:10:00.005-04:00

this morning i woke up to rain.
the rain before the cold front.
the rain that will make my plants look a little better before i can sit outside and enjoy then without feeling like i'm in a sweatl0dge.

ba$eball has pissed me off. i don't like the division match ups at all.
but i'm pleased with my home team. managed to go to about 10 games this season and every one of them was great, win or loss.
but the wins were fucking great.

i'm glad my girls like ba$eball.

personally, i'm cracking up this morning.
i just don't understand how an individual can be so insecure.
how badly would you have to be burned to allow your insecurities to determine your life?
to dwell so much in what's happened to you and instigating arguments based on that.... it's fucked to the fuck up.

i've been on this hi about going to the beach.
how can anyone not want to go to the beach?

this morning, i get a txt from Y that simply said 'fuck boca.'

needle across the record.... wha'?

she won't give me an answer as of yet about why fuck the beach other than saying 'just because.'
that's so fucking juvenile.

i'm leaving town with baby girl about 3:30.
meeting mid-state about 6pm - will kiss baby girl goodbye and big girl hello.
should be back in the neighborhood by 9 at the latest.
take big girl to Js house which is the next road up in suburbia.
i will probably transport to the event tonight since i'm not going to be able to pick them up. big girl is staying tonight and tomorrow with J.

i will come by the house and make sure the cats are dealt with, pick up the small bag i have packed already, my camera, and the brown dog.

i will go to the beach without her*.

*and that totally means that she will take that as i'm having some rendezvous with someone i've been accused of pursuing (and i am not in any way doing that) and she will say - again - that she's leaving.

aw damn... the last post was the four two oh

2009-10-15T09:42:00.004-04:00

i feel good this morning.
i think i slept well.
i think my effort of eating better is paying off.

my body just feels good.

mentally, well - it's falling into place.
i've got keys to the beach in hand.
it's on.
i love the fact that i can walk out on the beach friday night at midnight and when the sun comes up saturday. the weather is going to be fanfuckingtastic.

[long pause while i txt some and gaze out the window.
the rain is coming ahead of this 'cold front' that is going to cool things off about 10 degrees.
thank god.. i need to mow.]

the photo from yesterday where you can sorta see my desk wall...
on the cork board is a thing baby girl drew for me probably about two years ago.
at the most two years.
i think..

anyway...

as you can see - it's different.
it's a drawing/cut out of me with a tshirt that says 'i heart you.'

and yes. those are my tits - with nipples - on the outside of my shirt.

i asked baby girl to tell me about her drawing.
she told me about it being me and i'm the best momma and i had a tshirt on that says i love you on the front and usa on the back (but it really says her name only on the back).

and she said 'and those are your b00bies, momma.'
but baby girl.... why are they on the outside of my shirt?
'because they are so big, momma.'

it's been on my cork board ever since...

again?

2009-10-14T08:19:00.005-04:00

i like that this spot is part of my morning routine.

been feeling some anxiety the past few days.
my dearly departed friend - remember him? mon is 3 years.

already.

thinking about the things i accomplished since then....
went to asia and tried to come to terms with his death.
finished ultras0und school.
fell in lust with a woman.
got divorced from his best friend after an 18 year relationship.
got a job.
held big girl's hand through the darkest days.
lost a job.
and i'm slowly going crazy in my own mind.

i think of him so much still.
i can still hear his laugh in my mind. i can still smell his cologne. i can still feel how soft his hair was..

i'm lost in it all still.

[several minute pause while i smoke and watch the p.itt across the street stalk a lady walking her dog and continue to think about calling anim@l c0ntrol ]

when i'm with you i could care less..

this weekend, the x and i are swapping kids. big girl comes here, baby girl goes there. he's going to be working fri and sat night - not like he's going to be with baby girl. but a sister is stepping up and taking her in so baby girl can be with her cousins, girls ages 8 and 10.
baby girl is looking forward to it.

big girl is pretty much coming home to be with her friend, J (the kid that is usually in some of my F.B photos with us. over the years, she's become by 3rd child and i love her dearly). J turns 16 on sat and big girl is coming home to party with her.
fri night after we get home from the drive, the girls are going here. then on sat, Js birthday, Js grandparents are taking her and big girl here.
then i take her back on sun.

i'm thinking about blowing down to the beach - dropping off big girl at Js fri night and continue to head south 2 more hours. i haven't been in quite some time and really need it.

i need some therapy somehow.

for this morning, i'll settle for b0wling league.
heh..

a different perspective. what i look at when i sit at my desk.
i just turned around in my chair. heh...

2009-10-13T10:23:00.002-04:00

you don't give me love

...what day is it?

2009-10-13T09:26:00.004-04:00

had an ok weekend with big girl.

she was distant and really not interested in doing anything without her buddy down the street (a kid that's stuck by her through the shit even tho she was shit on many times by big girl).
i sort of expected it but it still sucks.

i feel like it's going to be some time before she wants to come home again.

took her halfway home yesterday while babygirl was in school.
it was a loonnnggg drive home.

so, this morning, i can continue with my daily routine.

things are at a standstill with the house.
i don't know if i'll ever get this place clean enough to paint..

i'm just not motivated and i'm finding ways to escape.

i haven't been to therapy in about 3 weeks.
hell... this week might be the 4th week...
i just don't want to go and be reminded that "you're depressed."

thinking of asking my parents for a lump some of money from my trust.
i feel like i need to take care of some things and get back on track with this 'new' life of being responsible for one kid and absolutely everything that goes on under my roof.
it's been amazingly overwhelming in so many ways.

and i'm lost because of it.

# 417

2009-10-08T11:08:00.001-04:00

i got nothing.

absolutely nothing.

looking forward to a long weekend with big girl coming home.
other than that... ya.

heh..

shepherd's pie

2009-10-05T09:35:00.004-04:00

well... the babies are here.
i wonder if she ended up with at least one stretch mark..? heh...

it's monday.
i'm doing what's seemed to become my morning routine.
this show is on and for some reason, i've become a regular viewer.

on the verge of getting my house dealt with in it's entirety.
it's been a long time coming, that's for sure.
but it feels good to finally lighten my load.
after years and years - things are under control.

anyway.....
i think i'm going to get up.
i started a job yesterday but in no way is it under control.

brother chaos rules

blah

hot off the presses

when good goes bad

the humpty hump

after work

40 ain't so bad

should be over 500 posts by now

favorite things

when i think about you..

local fare

favorite things

watch out...I got the app now!

- distractions from work

there's an app for that

tough decisions

one might think im being paid to bl0g

later in the evening

fetchin'shadow

all in all... we're just bricks in the wall

having a heavy heart today

i once had 17 active email addresses

#493

#492

yesterday

gone but not forgotten

look at me! i'm on a roll...!

sunblah

more pain, no gain

life throws no bones

paternal anger

what next...

i'm standing at the crossroads - believe i'm sinking down..

this day in history

finding my way

i wanted to post this on a secrets site...

so soon? part deux

some shit went down...

so soon?

this one goes out to the one i love..

deleted from memory

itchin'for a sandy crack

bulldogged again

*deleted from memory*

469

i got nothin'

breathe

officially the four-six-five

four six five

#463

piling up...

afternoon lull

huh?

the four-five-nine

i dont understand - i can comment & title but cant get a cursor in the text box to post, dammit.

NSFW

back to life...

the four five five

breathe deep...

the dog didn't take the remote out in the yard*

my sunburn is itchy and peeling

[blank]

the finest hour

uplifting

after midnignt..

change of seasons

rocky road*

not much..

second verse...

last minute...

in the style of A

visual loss

crossroads

the four two oh

a happenin' saturday night

my dear friend

not too long between posts...

sunday morning

the fo'free'fo

last post jan 28

deleted from memory