no comment

i've spent too much time in front of the computer today.
but it's been constructive for a change. i've caught up on some work, done some more research for my biology paper (that i should have finished already but changing my topic four times didn't help matters any), and i even surfed for some useless info (imagine that, eh?).

in a way, i'm really dreading tomorrow.
it's been quite some time since i've had a formal session and now, i've got a double session in the near future.

in a way, i afraid of tomorrow.
i'm afraid of coming to terms with so much and saying words i've pushed away for 10 weeks.

but i know i need it.

desperately.

yes. there is peace in my heart.
i knew it well when there was so much to look forward to.
i knew it well when i was with him.

it was all stripped away on october 19, as my heart yearned for what was.
for what should have been.

but the time we did share - there aren't really adequate labels for it.
it was perfect as perfect could be.
with the given limitations.

and now - it's all i have.
the memories of what was and what should have been.
what we planned and the words we said to each other.

it was going to be perfection, you know.
true happiness shared between two people that were meant to share time.

the tears still fall all day long.
it only takes a split second for it to start and it never seems to really stop.
my heart will always feel like it's broken.

but i've got to get control over it so it doesn't break me in the end.

or has it already?

i guess that's my plan of action with going back to therapy.
but i don't want to spend two hours tomorrow crying through words.

even if i do ever shake some of the sadness, i will always feel the guilt.

i'd rather be sad than have such feelings of guilt though.

fuck.