the weekend in so many words
i didn't spend near the time at the cemetery as i had hoped. maybe 10 minutes on saturday afternoon - i took some daisies.
i wanted to stay longer but it hurt too fucking much.
saturday night was the party for my husband's 40th birthday. we dressed in 80s gear and partied kegger style.
it was fun. saw some folks we haven't seen in years.
reconnected with a friend that i really can't remember when i saw her last.
sunday was a funeral for a great uncle. well loved and greatly missed.
that afternoon was the 16th birthday party for the oldest nephew.
i met my husband 5 months before the emergency c-section that brought that kid into the world.
i still can't believe it's been that long.
last night i had a very strange dream. very symbolic with regards to the events and people - and my dear friend by my side.
i've had dreams before that he has been a part of as an active person within the dream - but this time, he was there but not really. his presence was everywhere - he was right by me - but it was only his presence.
i could see him and he seemed to respond to me but i couldn't interact with him. i tried but it was only his warmth and the memory of what he was.
it was such a comfortable place within my mind - so familiar and welcome, the one place that made us happy.
the pivotal point in the dream woke me and it felt cold and lonely. my face was wet (but i wasn't crying in the dream?) and i was out of breath.
my heart was racing and i was wide awake.
3:47 AM.
i tried to go back to sleep - tried so hard to find that comfort again but i never did.
until the sun came up, i replayed the dream over and over again - hoping to feel him somehow, wanting nothing more than the warmth of my thoughts and his love.
the icing on the cake - my dear friend's sister called at 9:30.
they decided on the headstone and are having this photo engraved in the black marble.
the day that photo was taken - my 35th birthday.
a warm sunday in the woods with nothing but the future on our minds.
we managed to steal some time with no interference and shared ourselves in a way that was beyond possible.
it was that day that we knew the future was ours.
and 46 days later- he died.
it's just incredible that i really feel like i've made any progress at all since he's been gone. i realize that i'm not any better than i was the day he died.
it was a long ride home today - most of the journey in tears.
so empty inside and a constant need to have anything 'wade' come to me.
somehow.
i wanted to stay longer but it hurt too fucking much.
saturday night was the party for my husband's 40th birthday. we dressed in 80s gear and partied kegger style.
it was fun. saw some folks we haven't seen in years.
reconnected with a friend that i really can't remember when i saw her last.
sunday was a funeral for a great uncle. well loved and greatly missed.
that afternoon was the 16th birthday party for the oldest nephew.
i met my husband 5 months before the emergency c-section that brought that kid into the world.
i still can't believe it's been that long.
last night i had a very strange dream. very symbolic with regards to the events and people - and my dear friend by my side.
i've had dreams before that he has been a part of as an active person within the dream - but this time, he was there but not really. his presence was everywhere - he was right by me - but it was only his presence.
i could see him and he seemed to respond to me but i couldn't interact with him. i tried but it was only his warmth and the memory of what he was.
it was such a comfortable place within my mind - so familiar and welcome, the one place that made us happy.
the pivotal point in the dream woke me and it felt cold and lonely. my face was wet (but i wasn't crying in the dream?) and i was out of breath.
my heart was racing and i was wide awake.
3:47 AM.
i tried to go back to sleep - tried so hard to find that comfort again but i never did.
until the sun came up, i replayed the dream over and over again - hoping to feel him somehow, wanting nothing more than the warmth of my thoughts and his love.
the icing on the cake - my dear friend's sister called at 9:30.
they decided on the headstone and are having this photo engraved in the black marble.
the day that photo was taken - my 35th birthday.
a warm sunday in the woods with nothing but the future on our minds.
we managed to steal some time with no interference and shared ourselves in a way that was beyond possible.
it was that day that we knew the future was ours.
and 46 days later- he died.
it's just incredible that i really feel like i've made any progress at all since he's been gone. i realize that i'm not any better than i was the day he died.
it was a long ride home today - most of the journey in tears.
so empty inside and a constant need to have anything 'wade' come to me.
somehow.
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