the moment of truth

not only was the drive north terrible on my emotional well being, i ended up sitting in the house most of the weekend with a sick child.
her father was no where to be found to assist (fishing was too important) and by saturday afternoon, i had enough.
now everyone knows exactly how i feel about my beloved husband - his mother and father, his youngest sister, and two friends of my dear friend that came to visit (and fish) on saturday.

the constant sense of entitlement, the constant lack of consciousness for the world around him, his inability to be a responsible adult, and his inability to be a good father.
everyone knows how much of a slack ass motherfucker he really is.

he can't get over feeling sorry for himself about our friend's death. don't get me wrong - this is understandable - he found him dead. who can get over that?
but on some level, there has to be some progress. feeling sorry for yourself won't improve anything.
there are other people that mourn just as he has. he's been oblivious to this point since the day it happened. not that everyone knows what my relationship with my dear friend was based on, but he was my friend, too. it has effected me, too.

or has it affected me? why can't i get that right the first time?

the big girl wants things to get worked out with her father and me. i told her that i don't see it happening. he's got to make more effort for things to improve and until then, i don't see anything improving.

when i talked to my mom about everything the end of last week, she mentioned that my kids and i should not have to contend with the bullshit that has been going on. she's more than supportive of a change when necessary, even mentioning that we can find a sitter to care of the girls at night while i finish school.
and in an odd way, this was like music to my ears.

it's just so fucked up.
this is not the life i signed up for but this is the life i've created for myself.
when there was hope for the future, it was gone in an instant.
the one place that i thought i could go and feel safe again has been tainted by ill feelings and self hate.

i didn't want to take his dog home yesterday. i told his mom that when i dropped the sportdog off. she laughed but she knew i was serious.
i want that dog.
but i want him for the same reasons why she doesn't want to give him away - it's the only thing left.

but for now, i've got to check the big bag of chocolate for ticks.
i found two on the big girl and one on me.
thank god the baby girl didn't venture outside much except for on the mule.

and no.
i got absolutely positively no homework done all weekend.
it's gonna be one hell of a week now.