"be the change you want to see in the world"
i saw that quote on a flyer at the hospital on friday.
it really really got me thinking.
nothing in this life is as it seems.
even when you think it's 100% the way it should be, it's really not.
and nothing is forever. that's the part that sucks.
i feel like i've gone full circle the past few weeks.
it's hard to put into words but i feel like my emotions and life have totally turned upside down and been slammed back down, just as fast, almost upright.
but not quite..
i turned down the restoration job at the college.
it's too much to do with what little time i have to work with. i just can't manage the time i need to dedicate to school and do this project also.
it's a shame because it would have been a $1000 job over two weeks. but someone else will benefit from it, i know.
and when there's not much drama to speak of, it's drama from someone else that is pressing down into my brain.
i'm not so sure i can be the person my kids need me to be.
i'm not so sure that my educational direction is the best.
i'm not so sure i'm the best person to care for the dog.
i'm certainly not the friend i should be and question the actions of everyone around me.
i'm certainly not wife material.
nor girlfriend material.
i don't know what or who i am anymore.
i'm a mother that does a half ass job.
i'm a student that does a half ass job.
i'm a dog owner that does less than a half ass job.
i'm a friend that does less than a half ass job.
i'm a wife that doesn't want the job.
i have no comment on the rest. it's just too much drama.
at what point will things begin to click?
i really thought that i was on a better track and in a better frame of mind but i can't find peace in any decisions right now.
i can't get out of the past and what should have been.
i guess that makes me no better than my husband that can't get over things.
i... i... i.
it's all about me.
wake up naked drinking coffee
making plans to change the world
while the world is changing us
it was good good love
you used to laugh under the covers
maybe not so often now
but the way i used to laugh with you
was loud and hard
it really really got me thinking.
nothing in this life is as it seems.
even when you think it's 100% the way it should be, it's really not.
and nothing is forever. that's the part that sucks.
i feel like i've gone full circle the past few weeks.
it's hard to put into words but i feel like my emotions and life have totally turned upside down and been slammed back down, just as fast, almost upright.
but not quite..
i turned down the restoration job at the college.
it's too much to do with what little time i have to work with. i just can't manage the time i need to dedicate to school and do this project also.
it's a shame because it would have been a $1000 job over two weeks. but someone else will benefit from it, i know.
and when there's not much drama to speak of, it's drama from someone else that is pressing down into my brain.
i'm not so sure i can be the person my kids need me to be.
i'm not so sure that my educational direction is the best.
i'm not so sure i'm the best person to care for the dog.
i'm certainly not the friend i should be and question the actions of everyone around me.
i'm certainly not wife material.
nor girlfriend material.
i don't know what or who i am anymore.
i'm a mother that does a half ass job.
i'm a student that does a half ass job.
i'm a dog owner that does less than a half ass job.
i'm a friend that does less than a half ass job.
i'm a wife that doesn't want the job.
i have no comment on the rest. it's just too much drama.
at what point will things begin to click?
i really thought that i was on a better track and in a better frame of mind but i can't find peace in any decisions right now.
i can't get out of the past and what should have been.
i guess that makes me no better than my husband that can't get over things.
i... i... i.
it's all about me.
wake up naked drinking coffee
making plans to change the world
while the world is changing us
it was good good love
you used to laugh under the covers
maybe not so often now
but the way i used to laugh with you
was loud and hard
1 Comments:
when it comes down to it, that’s all it can ever be about. you are in everything (as am I and everyone else)... we can only approach things from our own perspectives (anything else is a lie – the worst lie of all because it’s to ourselves). we can never be happy trying to live up to anyone else’s (society's - even if we think it's ours) expectations (those who claim they are happy doing so delude themselves). accept who you are and learn to be and love that authentic person... (and for most of us that takes years of unlearning our social/cultural conditioning... good luck. i’m sending energy your way...;-)
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