now i just want to run and hide

how long should i pretend? the little ones are truly resilient - i think the rebound would be quick.
it's so easy to ignore and stay on the path to immediate smiles but long term sadness always ends up being the main symptom of my days.

the new routine - something that has great potential. more independence and structure, more grown up.
someone has to evolve- after so long.

the sacrifice seems much bigger than it really is though.

i can't seem to shake the sadness. everything sets it off - somehow. the end seems so far away - a time when i will be able to hold his hand and smell his skin.

[but it won't be the same. or will it be better?]

the dreams are not coming to me like they once did - am i really starting to forget all that i truly cherished? already?

eight weeks have passed. that's technically two months, right? but the date isn't until next week. i don't know.
i do know that the pain is worse today than it was two months ago. it hurts much worse today than it did at 3:38pm thursday october 19 when i heard the words that he was dead.

things will never be the same.
ever.
i really felt like the trip changed me but it was two weeks before that when i truly - fundamentally - changed.

i'm really trying.
but it's so difficult in this life now. sometimes i think i'm ready to go - just to be able to see him again and stop feeling the pain in my soul.
but the pain that would be left behind would hurt just as bad for those left.

what day is this?
the day you left.

i feel so selfish in my sadness though. no one knows how special and relevant he was to me, we were to each other. i really thought that my trip would help me work through some of the sorrow - somehow aid me in getting things figured out in my mind.
somehow.
but in the long run, i truly think that if anything, it might be a little worse.
the idle time - i wanted to construct a new plan with my life and try to get things under control. but it seems like all my trip accomplished was a decision i'm having a hard time following through with. even though i am making the effort, nothing is feeling worthy enough to care any more than i ever have.

i really dislike the word 'grief' and can honestly say that i've never used that specific word prior to anything two months ago.
but grief is punishment.

[yes, i do think that two distinct people can grieve together - share the sorrow and loss and attempt to work through the emotions that come about. doing it alone is too taxing on a body - the weight loss and non-existent appetite and the need to bury the feelings under things that make you forget. doing it alone sucks, A]

i know i need to go back to therapy. i've all but cut off my therapist through all of this. talking about it - saying the words out loud - is so difficult. i think about it every waking moment, and most of the time, i'm consumed by everything associated with him.
EVERYTHING.
with not being able to grieve like i need to - openly and honestly - i'm usually reduced to tears everytime i get in the car or anywhere i can be alone, really.

music was such a big thing between us that we always shared. continually swapping music, singing and dancing together to all our favorite tunes.... so many things are changed forever.

over the birthday weekend, the time spent with him was incredible. but every time with him, at the property that was truly a paradise for us - it became home with him. going up there was like going home after an extended absence.
but the last few times were truly the best. we were able to spend time together with no influence and loving life in the one place we could be ourselves. waking up together and sharing the time we did - i can't even find the appropriate words.
nothing comes to mind but 'home.'
even the weekend he came and stayed with me when everyone else was out of town, i've never felt more confortable in my own house than i did that weekend.

all the comfort and love that came out of the last seven months of his life were exactly what i wanted with him. we were truly meant to be together in some capacity and now - he's in my heart forever.
he is my heart.
we said it all the time.

i really have a hard time with the whole concept/idea/facade of some sort of afterlife that may reunite us in some other realm. i sincerely hope that once i'm finished with my physical body that my soul will live on somewhere else, reunited with those that went before me. i'd like to think that once i start to go towards the light that it's his hand that i grasp and never let go of. i sincerely hope that there will be some sort of eternal bliss that will fill in all the void of this life.

but all that comes down to faith, right? the belief of something after this life is deeply rooted in some level of faith, right? regardless of religion, there is some level of faith that answers the questions and fills in the unexplained gaps, right? is it nothing more than empty promises to help us deal with the uncertainty and cushion the blow of death?
i would certainly like to believe that there is some alternate "universe" with big pearly gates at the border crossing and an old guy with a long grey beard perched on a throne of clouds, just waiting to grant me a free pass to make all my wildest dreams come true. i can see how a concept/idea lke this makes the days easier to get through - with hopes of some hefty promise in the end.

i'm more of a scientist in this area - i want proof. i'd like to have faith in the hypothesis of heaven and 72 virgins waiting on me as my eternal reward (pick your religion, won't you?) but i want to know if that's what is really there.

but after a physical death, what's left? your physical being is either put in the ground or burned. the energy has to go somewhere, right?
is that what heaven is? a big cloud of stored up energy?
why can't that energy hover around those left behind to protect them and let those folks know that everything is truly okay after death?

i know i've said it countless times, with regards to many different situations, but i am truly going through the motions the last eight weeks. i know there is so much for me to accomplish and learn in this life but in all honesty - if my time came to an end abruptly like his did, that would be okay.

at least, with me.

but the wake of destruction would be immense.

it hurts me to think that when it's my time, there will be people that cry for me like i cry for him.

i'm truly swimming on dry land here...

i'm on bended knees
i pray, bartender please..

motherfuckin'spell check won't work worth a crap