my hypocrisy only goes so far

got up early this morning and found my way down to the scan lab for some more practice (read: finish the assignment from monday). my lab partner has terrible anatomy and it's so very difficult to find anything other than liver and IVC on her. but it might just be my technique.
the lab guy assigned today was awesome and we learned more from him in an hour than we have from our instructor monday through thursday.

and when i got home, i laid on the couch and napped on and off.
i'd wake up when i heard the baby start to cry or if the big girl yelled at the baby to get out of her room.
but it was nothing that i couldn't handle from the comfort of the couch with a loud roar.

my husband was out on my parent's boat all day, out in the bay, fishing for anything. just something else for him to suck off of and enjoy.
that will sooo come to an end at some point.
this, i promise.

i think my biggest accomplishment of the day (aside from school), was seeing this movie two and a half times.
i love it so.

and tix for DMB go on sale april 21 for all dates.
get in line now. they will go quick.




i feel like i should write more since i have time. no prying eyes and an almost unlimited amount of time is a nice change.
but i don't know what to write about.
i feel like i'm struggling with words in general lately.
that i'm having a hard time getting anything in or out.

the upcoming week was supposed to be so full of plans - things that were talked about so long ago.
my dear friend was going to take some vacation time and come stay with us and celebrate his birthday here. he wanted to have another year start with me - with us together.
and it's all fucking gone.

it's so difficult to find the good in things, with him gone. i know that i've got to get over it - that he wouldn't want me to dwell on it like i have been, but i can't help it.
everything reminds me of him.

i just want a few more minutes... the opportunity to relive the last few hours. just anything to re-do what was done.

not that he could have been saved, mind you. he could have been in the best hospital with the best cardiac drs and he still would have died. the clot broke off, his heart skipped, and with the next struggling beat, basically exploded.

but our actions could have been different.
i should have just called him.

is it so wrong for me to want some peace in my heart?
if "heaven" is what it's supposed to be, i hope he knows how sorry i am and how much i will always love him.

you are right, A. he would want me to find the good and do my best.
i'm trying - but at the same time, it's so difficult without the actual confirmation from him, you know?

everything is starting to fade and it hurts so much.

and i need more gain laundry detergent.
heh...

float there and watch it all

amidst the burning, we’ll be churning

you know, love will be our wings

the passion rises up from the ashes

when the world ends