paraskavedekatriaphobia
today started early.
last friday was round three.
today, i had a scan.
preliminary results - no more chemo.
another scan in three months and we'll go from there.
the student show gallery opened yesterday.
i submitted three and one ended up on the wall (not the one i hoped for but still good). of course, that's as far as it will get. but i can't forget that it's supposed to be an honor to even be accepted into the gallery.
ya. whatever.
i just want some fucking prize money. high expectations after last years win, i suppose.
last friday was round three.
today, i had a scan.
preliminary results - no more chemo.
another scan in three months and we'll go from there.
the student show gallery opened yesterday.
i submitted three and one ended up on the wall (not the one i hoped for but still good). of course, that's as far as it will get. but i can't forget that it's supposed to be an honor to even be accepted into the gallery.
ya. whatever.
i just want some fucking prize money. high expectations after last years win, i suppose.
i did bust my ass to get down to the gallery yesterday when it opened at 5 (after pulling my shift at the nursing home). awards were slated for 6 but at that time, my ass needed to be in my seat at school getting ready to take a test. but i needed to know what (if anything) made it into the gallery.
and of course, i saw her. i hoped i wouldn't but i knew i would. none of her photos were on the wall (same as last year). she was all smiles though - almost like it used to be.
we caught up for a few minutes as we browsed the work - almost like it used to be.
when i had to leave, she walked with me and we continued to laugh - almost like it used to be.
but then she did what i expected and tried to reach out with her words, hinting at the past. and as low as i've been feeling lately, all i could think was "what the hell, right?"
but the last time i said that, karma bit my ass.
i'm not letting that happen again.
i should be on my way to the out-laws but i decided to not go.
the big girl and husband are gone - out of my hair for a nice weekend of camping. they should have a good time.
me and the baby will sleep late, share the bed with the dog, and just maybe go down to the beach and sponge off my parents while they are down there.
honestly, i didn't want to go up there and see the headstone.
i didn't want to go up there and be all happy and shit on the outside while i'm slowly dying on the inside. my MIL picks up on things like that and i just don't want to have to explain anything i'm feeling.
to anyone.
my very valid excuse to not go to the outlaws - so i could go to school and scan in the morning. my scan final is monday and even though i have been getting some great images, i still need to work on one of the machines and get it learned. we won't know what machine we will be assigned to for the final and with a 45 minute limit, i won't have time to learn it once the exam starts.
but honestly - it breaks my fucking heart to even think about going to georgia.
for anything.
to go to the outlaws (where my dear friend is buried) or to go to the woods (where memories were made) - the thought of it reduces me to tears every time.
this life has gotten so much harder to deal with over the past 25 weeks - i never anticipated anything like this.
the motivation is gone.
the spark is gone.
the anticipation is gone.
the quest is over.
grace is gone.
cry about it
lie about it
lean upon me
i'll lean up you
we'll be ok

1 Comments:
I'm kind of glad you stayed home. You need the break. Yeah, you still relive it everyday, but by not going, you're starting a healing process.
Love the baby and wash the dog this weekend.
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