stay or leave - all i want to do is go
at what point in time is it the right time to throw in the towel and just call it a day?
this constant stop and go bullshit is wearing on my soul in a way that i thought wouldn't bother me as much as it actually is. there is too much uncertainty and so much headache on top of the uncertainty and headache and stress ofmy full time nonpaying job school - i've reached my breaking point.
last night, i didn't have class. it was cancelled due to a shift in the hierarchy within the program that required an intensive pow wow of qualified folks. the hours are not going to count against us so we aren't going to have to make up the time.
for that reason, i didn't mention anything about not having class and "went to class" at the usual time.
i proceeded to have a great night with a very special person that ended too soon.
we ate italian and drank too much sangria as we sat in the corner at a small table. lots of laughs and bearing of souls were followed by quality time that i wouldn't trade for anything.
and i did figure out last night that i do experience some sort of anxiety in social situations. i totally went into panic mode at the restaurant and had to be talked into backing away from the edge.
i always find it strange how people come into your life.
is it by chance or is it by divine intervention?
is it temporary or will it stand the test of time?
will it be what it should be or just something that will go by the wayside?
and i'm not one to actively seek friendships. seems like they find me somehow, that things fall into place that evolve into something worth holding on to. of course, some aren't worth much in the end and i cut my losses before it's too late.
but there are times when i don't look far enough ahead and realize that it's just not going to work out for some reason, and when i do realize it - it's too late.
so - that's that.
still elbow deep in something i feel stuck in even though my mind and heart tell me it's not worth one more second of time.
longing for something much bigger than this life can offer due to being elbow deep in shit.
waiting for next thursday when i skip class again to hang out on the other side of the bay with my friend.
this constant stop and go bullshit is wearing on my soul in a way that i thought wouldn't bother me as much as it actually is. there is too much uncertainty and so much headache on top of the uncertainty and headache and stress of
last night, i didn't have class. it was cancelled due to a shift in the hierarchy within the program that required an intensive pow wow of qualified folks. the hours are not going to count against us so we aren't going to have to make up the time.
for that reason, i didn't mention anything about not having class and "went to class" at the usual time.
i proceeded to have a great night with a very special person that ended too soon.
we ate italian and drank too much sangria as we sat in the corner at a small table. lots of laughs and bearing of souls were followed by quality time that i wouldn't trade for anything.
and i did figure out last night that i do experience some sort of anxiety in social situations. i totally went into panic mode at the restaurant and had to be talked into backing away from the edge.
i always find it strange how people come into your life.
is it by chance or is it by divine intervention?
is it temporary or will it stand the test of time?
will it be what it should be or just something that will go by the wayside?
and i'm not one to actively seek friendships. seems like they find me somehow, that things fall into place that evolve into something worth holding on to. of course, some aren't worth much in the end and i cut my losses before it's too late.
but there are times when i don't look far enough ahead and realize that it's just not going to work out for some reason, and when i do realize it - it's too late.
so - that's that.
still elbow deep in something i feel stuck in even though my mind and heart tell me it's not worth one more second of time.
longing for something much bigger than this life can offer due to being elbow deep in shit.
waiting for next thursday when i skip class again to hang out on the other side of the bay with my friend.
1 Comments:
all life and all situations are ephemeral... the only thing that is certain is that nothing is certain. how and why our lives unfold the way they do is beyond our ken...even though some will try to convince us that they are “together” and know who they are and where they are going... it’s all illusion (especially for them), and the only constant is change. this should not be viewed as a bad thing; we should eagerly embrace it... stop trying to do/be something we are not, start living, by creating ourselves and the lives we want, but realizing that nothing turns out the way we expect it to (because we can't account for every single detail)... living is the process, the here and now...(not an end point or acheivment)...you might as well enjoy it, quit stressing, be here and now...where/when ever that happens to be...;-)
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