Thursday, August 16, 2007

i want too much.... too much

i have a fear this is going to be a bad case of information overload.

with my husband not making any money, we are living off my trust fund. this money is distributed to the checking account every month from my mom.
in the past 19 months, there has been about $4,000 contributed to the checking account - money that my husband has made through his real estate commissions. i have contributed about $6,000 through money i've made doing freelance jobs and the like.

because we are living off trust fund money and it's my mom i have to ask for more money when it runs out on the 12th of the month, i am very open with my mom about things.
what my husband has been doing job-wise, how he spends his time when he should be working - things like that. i feel it's her business to know since she is the one putting money in the checking account for him to suck dry.

last night, my husband made it painfully obvious that he really feels like he is doing all he can work-wise.
my living room was an explosion of accusations and screaming.
according to him, i have no right to make him out to be the bad guy in all this when he is doing all he can. the things i tell my mom are way out of line and only make his situation worse. he says that his broker (who is very very good friends with my parents) can't understand why my parents are on her ass about my husband's work ethics when he is doing all he can.
all the things i tell my mom about my husband are only out to benefit me and that's just not fair.

his main point was that he doesn't tell his parents everything.
um - they aren't supporting us either.
he hasn't told my parents about all my bad decisions/indiscretions and whom i've fucked since being married.
something he continually threatens me with.

once he was done screaming, he looked at me and said, "you aren't going to cry?"
why the fuck should i cry? it's not worth crying over.
even though i've cried enough in the past, it's not worth crying over now.

last night was my opportunity to let it all go and i let it slide.
it didn't feel like it was the right time with all the anger, but what more of a perfect time?

i'm so weak.
i know i can do this with out him but the strength to tell him to leave isn't there.

he is going to his parents tonight. i am going to tell him to not be in an hurry to come back.
i could very well have everything packed up and ready for him to take somewhere else by the time he returns sunday.

i need to talk to my mom. i need to tell her what he said.
even though this is the main problem with him, she needs to know.
is it my fault that i have an open relationship with my mom? aren't you supposed to have a relationship like this with your parents?

it would be different if our livelihood didn't depend on my parents and my trust fund. if we could support ourselves (like responsible adults), it would be no one's business but ours.


therapy hasn't been helping either.
all i can think to do is retreat and shutdown.
and with the new class starting tonight (vascular), it's not a good time at all.

2 Comments:

Blogger Liam said...

tip of the iceburg... much more energy commin'...and more will be needed...

Thursday, August 16, 2007 at 4:41:00 PM EDT  
Blogger eatmisery said...

I've already emailed you.

Thursday, August 16, 2007 at 9:58:00 PM EDT  

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