a letter to my life

dear life,

i know i've fucked up in more ways than one. i'm painfully aware of it every second of every day. but all i want to do is get things in some sort of order and regain control over something on a day to day basis.

for things to improve, i've got to step up and do what needs to be done. but this is the hardest part for me.

for my husband - in his limited time left in this house, all he needs to do is turn off the goddammed lights when he leaves a room, don't leave the tvs on all over the house and, for christsake, don't leave your fast food cups full of dip spit anywhere ever again.
when he is with the girls in the evening, all he's got to do is his job and spend time with them. that does not mean for him to sit his ass on the computer or in front of the tv (with your dip cup in hand) and yell at the girls to go back to their rooms.
i swear - the next time i find a cup full of dip spit, i'm going to make him drink it.
and the next time he yells at my children, i'm going to put my foot in his face.

all i want is for him to make his last days in this house better. is that too much to ask?

for my big girl - please...... if she doesn't want me to comment on things going on in her life, why does she tell me? i know that she's wanting more than i can offer her right now in the way of being a decent parent, and as many conversations as we have had about the problems, will it sink in to the 13 year old's brain at all?
her constant need to be accepted and the lengths she will go to for that - i'm lost. i don't know what to do anymore.

for my baby girl - all i want you to do is sleep in your own goddammed bed and listen. is that too much to ask of you? you are starting kindergarten in two weeks - when will it click in your little girl brain that you have your own bed, in your own room, FULL of your own toys?
stay out of my desk drawers already!
but all i dream about lately is losing you. somehow, in some manner, my sleepy time thoughts are consumed with different situations in which i lose you and never find you again. i wake up in tears, screaming your name and can't breathe.
and when i regain consciousness and realize that i'm really not running down a street in the rain, frantically looking for her - that she is right there next to me - all i can do is pull her close to me and cry.

i don't know what it's going to take to get me to sleep either.
peaceful sleep is something i no longer know. a part of me is wanting to make a call and buy hand fulls of pills but the other part of me knows that all that will lead to waking up a habit that i can't deal with right now.

i want to complain about school but it is useless.
it's school. it's not supposed to be easy, i know.
but what gets me is my time at the hospital.
i haven't developed that 'thick skin' required for such a job.
but that, too, will come.

most of the things i've chosen in this life to pass the time with have been such poor choices, but it's gotten me by. and now, i feel like it's all catching up with me.

and i don't know what to do to make it better.

hoping to god on high is like clinging to straws while drowning.

me

ps - i wish i could bring myself to talk about my dear friend.
the pain is too much anymore.