i just want her home.
it's been a very difficult two days.
with my big girl on what the therapist calls 'suicide watch' i'm slowly losing my mind.
again this morning, i was at the center when they said i could come and waited the extra 45 minutes until i could see her (yesterday i had to wait an hour after the time they said i could be there).
and when i can see her, it's from behind an inch thick piece of plexi with some air holes drilled in the center so we can almost hear what we are saying to each other.
she's scared and confused and so torn up and doesn't understand why a dr stands behind her when we do get 5 rushed minutes together.
she spoke about her dreams - she's been getting meds to sleep. she said that my dear friend has come to her a few times - the man she always called uncle and love dearly.
he loved her so much while he was here and obviously still does.
please come to me in my dreams and tell me it's all going to be ok
when i look into her eyes, there's nothing there.
she's lost all hope in her life and it shows.
the stitches in her gut will come out next week but the scar will last forever.
i've failed my child in so many ways by allowing so many things to continue.
i may as well have been the one to push the knife into her.
her bloody clothes are still in the laundry room - i feel like if i wash them, i will lose more of her somehow.
i know that doesn't make sense and it's probably more of a biohazard than anything.
the bright spot - if it's possible to have one at this point in time - is that i will get to see her this evening at 8. we have a family therapy session.
i will get to hug her and smell her skin and hold my first born child for the first time since wednesday.
and, conveniently enough, my husband is not in town.
the root of all the problems won't be attending a family therapy session. the one person that needs to be there the most won't.
when i was on my way to the center yesterday morning, begging to see my child, he was on his way north and won't be home until sunday.
but hunting is more important, you know..
with my big girl on what the therapist calls 'suicide watch' i'm slowly losing my mind.
again this morning, i was at the center when they said i could come and waited the extra 45 minutes until i could see her (yesterday i had to wait an hour after the time they said i could be there).
and when i can see her, it's from behind an inch thick piece of plexi with some air holes drilled in the center so we can almost hear what we are saying to each other.
she's scared and confused and so torn up and doesn't understand why a dr stands behind her when we do get 5 rushed minutes together.
she spoke about her dreams - she's been getting meds to sleep. she said that my dear friend has come to her a few times - the man she always called uncle and love dearly.
he loved her so much while he was here and obviously still does.
when i look into her eyes, there's nothing there.
she's lost all hope in her life and it shows.
the stitches in her gut will come out next week but the scar will last forever.
i've failed my child in so many ways by allowing so many things to continue.
i may as well have been the one to push the knife into her.
her bloody clothes are still in the laundry room - i feel like if i wash them, i will lose more of her somehow.
i know that doesn't make sense and it's probably more of a biohazard than anything.
the bright spot - if it's possible to have one at this point in time - is that i will get to see her this evening at 8. we have a family therapy session.
i will get to hug her and smell her skin and hold my first born child for the first time since wednesday.
and, conveniently enough, my husband is not in town.
the root of all the problems won't be attending a family therapy session. the one person that needs to be there the most won't.
when i was on my way to the center yesterday morning, begging to see my child, he was on his way north and won't be home until sunday.
but hunting is more important, you know..
i'm so sorry, maggie.
please don't take away my number one.
i know too much as been put on you
and i can probably never make it up to you
but don't ever leave me...
not like this.
you are my number one and i need you.
and you need your mom.
i'm sorry.
please don't take away my number one.
i know too much as been put on you
and i can probably never make it up to you
but don't ever leave me...
not like this.
you are my number one and i need you.
and you need your mom.
i'm sorry.
5 Comments:
my heart breaks for you
know that i am thinking about you and sending good warm fuzzy feelings your way.
what a blind-side hit!.. didn't see it coming...
+ energy coming your way for you and your number 1...
I've already talked to you on the phone. Let me know how the session goes. It's probably a good thing that he's not there; she couldn't be open then.
Without him, she will heal.
All I can say is I am thinking about you and the girls! I am sending good thoughts your way! Listen to Amy, as you know she's very bright and insightful! I'm always with you!
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