already too late to take anything to make me sleep..

so, today started just like most days. this is usually documented by whoever comes in with a camera [see above].
most of the day was spent out in the back yard. i had a ton of stuff to get done after being out of town for a week and then really not doing much of anything over the course of this past week.
slowly but surely, i'm getting most of my plants from south ga to my home, one cutting at a time.
today's project - 19 cuttings that needed wet dirt after being in paper grocery bags for a week.
when i finally was able to sit down and check my email, i was pleasantly surprised to see mail from my dad. he is getting ready to leave la0s and head to vietn@m for the next mission. this one will last three weeks.
however, he relayed some sad news that caught me off guard completely.
he remarried about 20 years ago, quite some time after my mom divorced him. shit, it was longer than that now that i think about it. it was before i could drive legally (but he was still letting me drive his z-car when i would go stay with him). i guess it was jr high school when he and S got married.
she was always nice to me until i got pregnant with the big girl. S was unable to have children and i really do believe that she resented me for being pregnant at the time.
i guess the big girl was about 3 when my dad and S divorced. she came home one evening, my dad had prepared one of her favorite meals for whatever reason. they ate and drank good wine and she proceeded to tell him she had divorce papers for him to sign.
two days later, she moved to another state with the man she had said she was in love with for the past 4 years.
my dad had always had a good relationship with S's parents - even to this day. i always found that rather odd, but whatever. they are truly good people.
about 10 years ago, S and her husband moved back to my city. a few years later, she was diagnosed with MS.
the past few years had apparently been very difficult with regards to her health, spending a ton of time in and out of hospitals.
last week,i guess she had enough of this life and she killed herself.
i searched for the obit - not knowing the exact day or her married name, and came across it rather quickly.
it was one of those long, drawn out writings about how much she was loved and how much she will be missed.
it was classic of someone that took their own life. highlighting all the 'good' without saying anything 'bad.'
there is a part of me that wants to sign the online guestbook but i never met her parents and most certainly never met her husband. i'm confident that if i signed with my maiden name included, the family would know exactly who i am.
but is that appropriate?
my dad requested that i keep it on the DL - i don't know what he would expect me to do. rent a fucking billboard? act like i never knew her or that she was never married to my dad?
what i do remember most was when S and my dad came to see us and the big girl the week after she was born. S wouldn't even hold my child. my dad couldn't keep his hands off his granddaughter while his wife sat back and acted like he was holding toxic waste.
it's just more emotional conflict to add to the rest, i suppose...
peace out.
2 Comments:
parents' relationships aside... they are of their own making... you are certainly entitled to your feelings and perceptions regarding your relationship (or lack there of) with this woman, or any one else. that said, she’s dead...it’s probably best (for you) to let her go...karma is balance, no judgments, just balance...;-)
xo, L
losses like that are the toughest.....
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