.

i'm a terrible partner in a relationship.
we all know how well my marriage is rolling. granted, it takes effort from both involved, and i do my part as a mother, but as a wife? i suck ass.

most of my relationships i've had have ended badly.
when i would get involved with someone over the last however many years, i was usually in it for two reasons. one being that i liked to spend time with said person, and the other reason was for the sex.
when the person decided they wanted to get closer than that (involve too many emotions or terms), that's when i would back away and shut down my emotions.

however - there have been some exceptions to this at times.
actually, maybe only two of them carried an asterisk next to their name. they were the ones that i would have given it all up for, the ones that mattered the most and carried the most potential in my heart.

but even those have ended up in some sort of tragedy.

.

in it all, i think i'm getting things figured out within myself.
don't get me wrong - i wouldn't have any fucking clue if it wasn't for therapy.
but my therapist says i've done more work than i give myself credit for.

or that i even realize.

sometimes i think my therapist is full of shit and sometimes i think she walks on water.
sometimes i'm the smartest bitch on the planet and no one can get one past me.
other times, i'm the dumbest mutha'fucka on the planet with blinders on.

today, i think i'm getting things figured out a little bit.

and it's exactly how i don't want my life to be.