volatile

tending or threatening to break out into open violence; explosive.

sometimes, it seems, anger rules my day. doesn't matter what it applies to - the anger is there. it's explosive.
it's a threat to break out into open violence.
it's uncontrollable sometimes.

what's weird is that isn't not always been like that.

for so long, i was so passive and really didn't give a rats ass about much more than getting high and staying numb.
now that i'm no longer numb, my emotions get the best of me and some things i just can't seem to handle.

i've been seeing someone and the only way i can think to describe it is volatile. we are so good together but when it gets bad, my anger is so unpredictable - my behavior borders on out of control.
this person knows exactly what buttons to push and knows what will set me off instantly.
we are so much alike but so fucking different.

this week alone, i've broken several glasses, knocked enamel off the tub with things i've thrown into the tub, pulled pictures off the walls, threw my phone against the wall (again), left fingerprints on this person's arms, wanted to wrap my hands around this person's neck...
it's out of control.

but to think that i'd wake up and not have this person around is staggering for me. it sends me to my knees to think that they might not be there at some point.

the tattoo i got on my finger - the one that looked so much like a p0t leaf.... it's gone. i have an ivy leaf shaped scar on my finger but no color at all. as it healed, the ink came off. in the shower, when i'd put my hand in my pocket, doing dishes - it all came off. it was like a henn@ tattoo without the skin stain.
but the one that matched mine - on this person's finger - it's still there. even the 'E' on the end of the stem.
am i to take this as a sign of sorts?

i guess i need to make an appt with my therapist after all.

sigh.