on 38

techinically, i've been 38 for about 22 minutes.
it feels no different than 37 did when i woke up.

i'm still sick. my back is still numb down the left side.
the dogs still bark at everything in the neighborhood.

big girl called me this morning on her way to school and sang happy birthday to me. it made me cry very hard.
things are so very different since she's been gone. i hate it more and more every day.

i do see some good in it - if it's where she thinks she needs to be.
but certain behaviors are happening there, just as they did here. she's still making decisions that aren't the best for her at all.

i can only hope it all clicks at some point.

_._._._._._._._._._

this next year of my life.... i'd like to say i've got big plans for myself.
but i really don't.

i'm going to start painting again. i need an outlet.
my therapist agrees.

i just want some peace.
and quiet.
and love.