slow and low

Recovery sucks. I hate this whole process. It feels like i wont ever be able to stand up straight and hold my head high. The feeling of a lump in my throat wont go away.
Ive taken great care in not getting the site wet. When i had surgery in sept, i got the site wet when the dr said i could and then the steri.strips began to come off. I really think that was partly to blame for the site getting infected.
The last thing i want is for my neck to get an infection.
And by the looks of it, i think the scar will be very hard to distinguish from a crease in my neck.

And im going to milk this time off for every second i can get. I have my post op appt this Thursday.  I will get cleared for work at this appt. But im not going back til Monday next week. I want another 7 days. I want every chance i can get to return to work with even less pain.

My biggest worry - the bulls.
Its going to be mid june before i can walk them.
Bug went into heat yesterday. Ive already decided to get her fixed. But that cant happen til 2 weeks after her cycle. That pushes it to mid june.
Ive contacted a trainer to let me know her time frame, etc. Hope to get that underway in the next two weeks.

Sigh.
Through this past week of recovery, its becoming painfully evident who i have in my life.
I know i have close relationships with people but none of those people are local. Other than my family, i really have no one. No one that i can confide in and count on and meet for lunch or a drink on the weekend.
The relationships i did have, i allowed Y to ruin those.
The relationship i have with J - im a person she falls back on when no one else is available. And i think that she does that because she knows how i feel about her.
My work relationships are just that. While there is common ground and laughs - in the end, im the boss.

I need more pain meds...