frustration

i can't even begin to describe it. i'm just fed the fuck up lately. with my job and my family and my relationships (or lack thereof) and my dogs and my life in general... seems like i always come to some sort of 'cross roads' around my birthday. that is like... the time i reevaluate life. my therapist would say that this is my "cycle time." right now - i don't like what i have in front of me. not. at. all. so much uncertainty about my job. so much strain within my (extended) family that has made me bitter towards my own. my fucking animals are going to be the end of me. you know - when i go out and have fun at the bar that i love to be at..... i do all that by myself. i go out by myself and get hammered to ease the reality of really having no fucking friends. and that simple fact is wearing on my soul and making me choose things that are not good for me. yes. her. Y. no, we are not/did not get back together. i won't have that. but we have spent time. badbadbad bad bad badbad decision. it makes me painfully aware of the fact that there isn't anyone else. no one but my kids, dogs, family, and job. and you know what? i will be going out this weekend with the only one i know how to have a good time with. me. and the drag queens. FUCK.